Meet the Robinsons

Plan "B"

The BBC, with all the critical sensibilities of a deer in the headlamps, has not one, but two articles from the hair-shirt front of the "Carbon Rationing Group".

The featured Robinson family, as they go about reducing their carbon footprint by switching off lights and heat to enjoy a quiet evening shivering in the dark, lack the slightest clue of how the electricity grid works. Switching off lights doesn't do a tinker's damn worth of good for reducing the so-called carbon footprint because electricity is not a commodity to be "saved" or "spent." It's a question of peak generating capacity, which is what energy conservation really works to control. Power plants don't generate electricity on demand, but to meet projected demand. That means the generator keeps cranking out watts, and burning fuel, whether you turn your lights on or not.

Yes, yes, I know. There are all sorts of arguments for reducing peak demand and dealing with the question of future electricity needs, but that's a matter of engineering and economics. That's the stuff of serious planning, of dealing with how many types opf power plants of what type to build for twenty years down the line. Here we're talking about something much more important. We're talking about using low-wattage light bulbs to Save the Planet NOW!

Besides, the Robinson's could reduce their footprint to zero by merely moving to an area supplied with nuclear power. But that would mean breaking one of Gaia's commandments.

The Robinsons, being properly green busybodies, have all sorts of wonderful tips for the rest of us sinners consumers to help with this Crusade effort:

• Don't put the light on in the bedroom, just open the curtains slightly to give a bit of light. This works really well at 5 AM in January.
  
• In the shower: Use a jug to collect hot water to shave in. You're using hot water? Heretic!
  
• No lights on in the morning. The gloom is so cheering first thing.
  
• Fill the kettle with the amount (needed). Tea? Coffee? In hot water?!? Do you know how much fossil fuel it takes to ship that Gaia-damned brew? Is it Fair Trade? Exploiter! Earth despoiler!
  
• Cycle or walk to work. I live on a mountain eight miles from the nearest town. That's going to happen reeeaalll soon.
  
• Switch everything off standby and encourage colleagues to do the same. Because I love being looked at as if I've just given unsolicited advice on the best type of shoelace tips.
  
• Spend a lot of time in the kitchen rather than moving a lot around the house. Why do you live in anything bigger than a hovel in the first place?
  
• No TV. No, thank you.
  
• On the computer: Turn the broadband connection on and off only as required. Which is 24/7. Look at the calendar; it's the 21^st century, not the 11^th.
  
• Only use the bathroom upstairs, as there's just enough light from the street light outside to see by. If you have a streetlight. Besides, a real carbon neutral would shoot the light out with a catapult.

But my favourite is the money quote:

Developing habits is the key, Peter (Robinson) says. He described how he once visited a prison with a group of psychology students.

"One thing you notice there is that each time any of the prison staff went through a door they would close it and lock it, it becomes second nature. And when I started going round at home turning lights out it reminded me of that routine."

Green lifestyle ala Wormwood Scrubs. How apt.