Earth Day

Lord Summerisle: Our Earth Day special guest master of ceremonies

It's Lenin's birthday Earth Day here at Chez Szondy and as usual we're pulling out all the stops to ensure a properly go-ahead, Gaia-affirming day of smug posturing and strident self-righteousness at our anti-racist, non-patriarchal 1/3 scale recreation of Stonehenge. The Druid rune-readers have predicted an absolutely massive turnout with participants flocking from the four corners of the Earth, but seeing as we are situated on a mountain several miles from the nearest human habitation and have explicitly forbidden anyone to get here using any form of motorised transport, the exploitation of our animal brethren, or participating in the rape of our sacred planet by riding bicycles with tyres made from petroleum or rubber from plantations that encroach upon the vital reforests, we may have to resign ourselves once again with only Mr. MacGregor and his dog Samwise from down the hill coming up to point and laugh.

Nevertheless, we have a full programme of eco-friendly activities that will seem cutting edge to anyone who hasn't had an original thought since 1968. I'm not exactly sure what the programme will be, however, as it is printed with earth-friendly lampblack ink that soaks illegibly into the extremely coarse pure-hemp rag, which I am assured is much more environmentally sound than regular paper. Exactly why this is, isn't clear as the people we get it from just giggle uncontrollably whenever I ask them anything. But I am personally assured that the Aztec-Trotyskite Drum Circle Collective will pound the vegan, politically-sound skins for all their worth. What this is supposed to accomplish, I don't know. I thought it had something to do with the giant puppets, but the giant puppeteers tell me that it is the other way round.

Also on the bill of biodegradable fare is a full raft of speeches from the Chairbeing of the Nether Wallop Eco-Terrorist Brigade, the Pod Leader of the Puget Sound Friends of the Orcas and Nobody Else, Academy Award-Winning actor Earl Fatuous, the spokesman of the Gay Taliban Outreach Group, '70s folk singing sensation Joan Screech, the Hereditary President for Life of the Socialist True Democracy League, Fidel Castro (courtesy of the Stalinist West Riding Spiritualist Guild), and the Archbishop of Canterbury. These may even be somewhat understandable despite being blared through cheap, inexpertly operated, handheld megaphones. It is hoped, however, that Mr. MacGregor will refrain this year from pointing out the hypocrisy of a load of Luddites opposed to everything since the discovery of fire using electronics operated by nicad batteries to get their message across-- however incoherent it may be.

The Finchley Womyn's Anti-Industrial Commune will also be on hand with their global-warming diorama (assuming that it does not snow again) and they will be happy to explain to anyone who wants to listen, and the larger group that does not, why it is necessary for impoverished Africans to do without clean water and electricity in order to Save the Planet while reassuring everyone that the so-called developed world will soon be doing without these selfish indulgences as well. We request, however, that visitors refrain from bringing up the environmental records of the Communist Chinese and their Soviet predecessors, as this makes them a bit stroppy.

If you are attending, please remember that Earth Day is a time for us to show our proper place in Gaia's design, so the celebrations will be meat, gluten, additive, GM crop, processed food, dairy, egg, alcohol, tobacco, fish, poultry, non-organic, non-free range, non-fair trade, involuntarily harvested, preservative, vitamin, packaging, and ideologically unsound foodstuff free. You are welcome to forage for nuts and berries in the surrounding woods, but we recommend you stay clear of the fields beyond unless you want to participate in the reenactment of the hunt scene from Planet of the Apes that the local farmers have promised this year if we try that again.

Visitors are also reminded that there will be no toilet facilities whatsoever, as Chez Szondy is a soap and chemical toilet-free zone and we refuse to scar Mother Earth with latrine pits, so do remember to go before you go and make sure all your shots are up to date.

Finally, we would like to reassure our visitors that we have not forgotten our commitment to the purest of neopagan revivalism and that the traditional sunset human sacrifice will go ahead as planned. Fears that burning of the victim selected volunteer in the wicker man would have to be cancelled because of greenhouse gas emissions have at last been put to rest, as Lord Summerisle has secured the necessary carbon offsets for which he is receiving only a moderate commission fee.

Hope to see you there and enjoy yourself, if that is doctrinally possible.