Oscar Night

I can't stand the Academy Awards. Maybe it's the horrendous self-congratulation, maybe it's the boring films that are nominated, or maybe it's memories of days back in Britain being forced to stay up until some ludicrous hour just to find out who won "best mustache in a supporting role".

Okay, I'll admit the latter wasn't so bad because odds were that if I was doing that I had a couple of gallons of beer in me and I had a girlfriend at the time, so there was a more promising sequel in the offing. It all balances out.

Left to myself, I'd have skipped the whole dreary mess, but the wife share her sex's inexplicable fascination with celebrities, so we had the show on the telly while I fried up bacon sandwiches. I didn't give a damn and the whole thing went by in a series of aggravating flashes, such as the "best supporting actress award" being conducted by five women delivering fawning praise to the nominees like Greek goddesses giving tributes to the fallen at Troy. It would have been ghastly, except that the five goddesses were all so low-powered talents that it came across as merely pathetic.

Other than that, it was noise, lights, noise, hypocrisy, noise, and a double scoop of noise. When a clip from Harvey Milk came up showing two men kissing and I realised that a) it was 6:45 PM local time, b) my six-year old daughter was in the room and c) I now had some fast talking to do, I couldn't decide whether to be outraged at the producers for not being aware of the time and the presence of children in the audience or thankful that at least there was at least some distraction from the tiresome rituals.

Don't ask me how it all ended, because I don't know. I only lasted a little over an hour and by that point I was in a very bad temper and desperately needed a drink. Luckily, wife and daughter retired to the other room to watch while doing daughter's reading homework while I retreated to my office and sanity in the form of a very large glass of very cheap plonk for which I would like to thank the Academy.