Election day

It's election day in Britain and when Her Majesty dissolved Parliament I was sorely tempted to break a standing rule of EI and endorse one of the parties. My normal operating procedure when the country goes to the polls is to remind my readers of how much is at stake in the election and ask that they vote according to their consciences. However, New Labour has made such a pig's breakfast of Britain since 1997 that I felt compelled to stick my oar in. Something, I thought, had to be done.

Unfortunately, that's where I got stuck. I certainly couldn't endorse New Labour. Beyond their concerted attack on all of Britain's institutions, customs, history, religion, and even identity, Mr Gordon Brown et al by their own confession (boasting!) are traitors who made war against Britain by fomenting and aiding an invasion of the country. If you put a gun to my head and demanded my endorsement I'd tell you I wanted to see the bullets first and unless they were dum dums filled with cyanide I wouldn't even consider it. Even if they were, I'd make it a coin toss.

As for the Conservatives, I am amazed that they aren't being prosecuted under the Trades Descriptions Act for false labelling. This is no longer the party led by Sir Winston Churchill. This is not the party that stood against the Communists while the opposition preached decline, defeat, and surrender. This is not the party that tipped Marxism into its grave so that it now only survives in pest holes like North Korea and the faculty common room. This is the corpse of a party that's had its brains scooped out and replaced by a clockwork toy that periodically announces that the way to govern Britain is to do exactly what New Labour does only more efficiently. It's enough to make Lady Thatcher spin in her grave and since she isn't dead, it's a wonder that seeing Mr David Cameron as leader doesn't kill her.

The Liberal Democrats? Sorry, don't think so. I prefer a party, not a bag stuffed with every disaffected left-wing idea rejected by the two real parties. I can think of any number of idiotic things that can happen in an election, but replacing a government with a bran tub filled with whoopee cushions and fake turds is too much even for me to imagine.

UKIP? I've read their manifesto, agree with most of their goals, and wish them all the success possible. However, I cannot for the moment see how they hope to bridge the gap between aspiration and government until the electorate is given a massive dose of common sense. I find it highly unlikely that the voters will give the finger to all three major parties simultaneously no matter how nice a picture that may be.

The BNP I only mention because Fleet Street has a macro that inserts them every time you type in UKIP so that the latter always reminds the reader of the former. Beyond that, the notion of Roderick Spode standing in front of Number 10 in his black shorts gives me a fit of the giggles. Separatist parties I reject on the principle that you're elected to run the country, not dismantle it. As for the remainder like the Worker's Revolutionary Party, they should be shown a calendar and the door.

So, since Britain is actually ruled (I do not mean governed!) by a load of unelected dictators in Brussels who are answerable to no one, the Forward to Mars Party has long ago disbanded, and I can't seem to get my Feudalist Party off the ground for lack of royal approval regarding my plan use the next Queen's Speech to dispatch the entire House of Commons to the Tower and then sending a short note to the EU President that include "get" and "stuffed", I must tip my hat to the Official Raving Monster Looney Party.

Can't be any worse.

Where's the brandy?