Caligula, call your service

How to clean out the sewer that Parliament has become?

Appoint Incitatus as Speaker.

Frank diplomacy

The mullahs of Iran may be turning streets red with the blood of protesters, but Heaven forefend that they be barred from the US embassy weenie roast because of it.

After all, they've never treated an American embassy with anything except the greatest respect, have they?

Ministry of Truth

America's ABC network crosses the line from bias to flat out government propaganda arm.

No doubt we'll soon be seeing ABC reporting that the chocoration has been raised 20 grams.

Pirate priority

Having solved all other problems, the Scottish Parliament now has time to consider the case of a pirate who's been dead for over three hundred years.

You don't say

BBC headline:

Great white sharks display ruthless hunting tactics

In other news, bunnys are soft and cuddly.

Speaking truth to power

The mullahs of Iran are singling out Britain as the agent working against them in the current election turmoil.

And, you know, I hope they're right.

Instead of The One's revolting pussyfooting in a singlular attempt to fawn over whoever comes out on top of this power struggle, we should nail our colours to the mast and declare that we stand four square for democracy for the Iranians, point out that the Coalition has over 200,000 men on Iran's doorsteps, and to Hell with whomever says nay.

Damned by the mullahs? I call that a compliment.

A legend in his own mind

It's six months into the presidency of Mr Barack Hussein Obama and, uniquely for a US president, I still haven't figured out what he is. Oh, granted he's a Democrat and by his own, very thin, resume he's the most left-wing man ever to have ascended to the oval office, but being a leftist covers a lot of ground from mild American-style liberalism to raving Maoism. The question with Mr Obama is, where does he fall within this spectrum. Amazingly, after four years in the public eye, I find one of four alternatives:

• An idealogue who finds America in its present form unworthy of survival, who intends to rip it to shreds and rebuild it in his own image much as Tony Blair tried to do with Britain's institutions.
• A dedicated socialist who has a Utopian programme that he believes will usher in the new secularist millennium and for which all else is a distraction.
• A 21st century Mussolini who is a pragmatist at heart and will form a Third Way because the only criteria for success is not failing.
• An Alinskyite postmodernist whose sole objective is to acquire power for its own sake.

However different all these are, I believe that Mr Obama does have an agenda and a political philosophy. The trouble is, what he actually believes and desires is obscured by the following:

• Despite his reputation for being "cool", Mr Obama is actually a very timid man who is easily swayed by others and events–so much so that it's often hard to tell when he is acting of his own volition, caving to intimidation, or just not interested enough to do more than vote "present". This is the reason he's often so thuggish when crossed. Ending an objection with "I won" or making veiled threats about mobs and pitchforks is hardly the strategy of a confident man.
• He's a supreme narcissist. True, so was Mr Bill Clinton, but at least the latter's ego manifested itself in his desire to turn his tenure into an eight-year frat house party. With Obama we have a man who doesn't regard his presidency as a chapter in American history, but as another installment in the personal saga of Barack Hussein Obama. Worse, as seen in his Cairo speech, he talks as if the presidency is beneath him and that he'd rather be seen as, to give him the benefit of the doubt, a king who will be remembered as the wise ruler who made the lion lie down with the lamb while showering his adoring subjects with largesse.
• Contrary to boilerplate descriptions, he is not a very intelligent man nor is he very articulate without a teleprompter. It's easy to seem smart if you're well-spoken, but as a playwright I've spent many years hanging around actors, who are incredibly articulate, yet as a class are as dumb as a sack of doorknobs. Furthermore, it's clear from his speeches that far from being the "historian" president, Mr Obama's grasp of history is nil and he is probably the least well-read president of anyone I can think of.
• This is the clincher, he is staggeringly inexperienced and his basic competence is a giant cipher. I find it literally impossible to tell which of his policies are borne out of due consideration, ideology, desperate flailing about, or terror of altering something he has no understanding of.

Oddly, it's the last point that gives me hope. If there is one thing that has saved the Free World from raving do-gooders like The One is that they usually turn out to be complete showers at the job and therefore don't do much damage. We can only hope that that's the case here, but in the meantime, God help us all because the prospects could get pretty scary before the clock runs out.

Update: This sort of sycophantic rubbish on the part of the MSM doesn't help.

Update: Michael Barone wades in on the subject.

The Saint Plays with Fire

Trog

Of the two, I'd say Joan Crawford was the scarier.

Gerald

Enough Trog. Now let's look at some serious anthropology.

Stop the presses!

Werribee Banner headline:

Naked man found in bath

The slowest news day ever.

Cutting to the chase

Popular Mechanics has an interesting article on how to survive attacks from a mountain lion, alligator, and black bear. Their suggestions are all very good, but they do lack an obvious alternative that we here at EI now provide as a public service.

Surviving an attack by:

• A mountain lion: Unsling the hunting rifle you should have been carrying in the first place, chamber a round, point it at the mountain lion's head, and blow his brains out.
• An alligator: Unsling the hunting rifle you should have been carrying in the first place, chamber a round, point it at the alligator's head, and blow his brains out.
• A black Bear: Unsling the hunting rifle you should have been carrying in the first place, chamber a round, point it at the bear's head, and blow his brains out.

Neat, simple, and to the point.

Deadline day

Once again the deadline looms, so posting will be scarce today

Scamander RRV

Yes, it's impressive, but I was hoping for something more like this:

Arthur Dent, call your service

The Concordia Coffee's new $40,000 self-serve espresso machine grinds and brews coffee, steams milk and adds flavored syrups for a superior espresso drink, as per the customer’s preferences.

However, why it does so is a mystery, as it invariably dispenses a cup of something that tastes almost, but no quite, unlike tea.

Voting present

Mr Barack Hussein Obama faces the first real test as leader of the free world over the rigged elections in Iran and, not surprisingly, goes into full Jimmy Carter mode.

Apparently, if supporting democracy doesn't fit in with mesmerising the world with his stirring personal narrative, then it doesn't really matter.

Nanny car

BMW present a car that knows when you're having a heart attack.

Given the price of cars these days, it's a wonder it doesn't go off every time someone looks at the sticker.

Next on ABC: The two minute hate

The American network ABC has let the mask drop completely and hands over control to the White House so The One can broadcast propaganda persuade the people to support his health care plan.

Welcome to the Ministry of Truth.

Anti-stab knife

Industrial designer John Cornock introduces the "anti-stab" knife to Britain to combat the threat of criminals getting a bit stabby. It's a bit like dealing with riots by paving the roads with Nerf cobbles.

If you look up "Holding the wrong end of the stick," this is the illustration.

Roboferret

The University of Sheffield, for reasons known only to themselves, have developed a robot ferret.

Yes, it is a technological marvel, but how many can you stuff down your trousers?

Galloway Gallagher, call your service

Beer in a pouch. Yes, no more tedious cans!

And if you get the title reference, you're a bigger geek than I.

The Antidote Returns

The baton is passed.

Future dining table

The table... of the FUTURE! Complete with mini-frdge, mini-drawers, mini coffee-maker, mini-microwave, mini-dishwasher, and mini-toaster for making mini meals. And, apparently, you can't remove the chairs because that would be too bourgeois.

But, for some bizarre reason, it connects to the Internet, so that's all right then.

Friends we just haven't appeased enough yet

Guardian headline:

North Korea declares all-out push for nuclear weapons

Maybe it's time for The One to make another uplifting speech.

That unclenched fist thing worked out real well

I am shocked, shocked that Ahmadinejad rigged the election.

Update: We'll, be fair, he is the Iranian George Bush.

Update: The sound of silence. So much for Hope.

Space jerky

Canada is boldly going where no snack has gone before and is sending two pounds of beef jerky to the International Space Station.

In response, the United States has dispatched an emergency craft loaded with Slim Jims.

Eco-Sabbath

In service to Blessed Gaia, observe an "eco-sabbath" and remember to "believe with all your heart."

No prizes for seeing where this sort of thing is going.

The Saint Overboard

The Last Woman on Earth

Obamacare

The Ur Teasmade

Why the Victorians were objectively more civilised.

Waterworld

I don't know if this works or not or if it's remotely cost effective, but it certainly does take the prize for the most visually stunning desalination plant I've ever seen.

Citizen Chimp

The City Council of Cle Elums, WA made seven chimpanzees from a nearby ape sanctuary honorary citizens.

Col George Taylor was seen picketing the meeting.

The Dolphin of Detroit

Brian Deese, the 31-year old Yale Law School drop out whose car industry experience consists of once sleeping in a GM car park and has been charged with the task of, according to the New York Times, "dismantling General Motors and rewriting the rules of American capitalism," has been declared the Dolphin Dauphin of Detroit.

No doubt shipments of tennis balls are in the offing.

Irish mine detector

A metal detector cleverly hidden in a pair of sandals–"hidden" except for the flex and the electronics box strapped to your calf.

I don't know what is worse, the inherent geekiness of the thing or the mayfly lifespan of that USB port on the sole.

The love that will not shut up

An Ur teleprompter

I'm used to the press fawning over Mr Barack Hussein Obama in terms that make the coverage of "Camelot" look like a newspaper lynching, but this piece by Matt Frei of the BBC makes me wonder if Mr Obama shouldn't file for a restraining order. Nor is it an anomaly–not when the AP declares that the problem with the Iranians is that they haven't been exposed to The One enough to love him properly or when the media is so agog over Hope and Change that they don't even bother to deal with basic logic and arithmetic.

Some commentators, even in the MSM, have begun to notice this and are wondering if the press isn't slacking at its job. Of course, that depends on what their job is.

What I find most interesting about this is not what is happening now, but what may come in a few months or years if the MSM doesn't stop acting like the official record of Barchelle's dates. I sincerely doubt that Mr Obama can keep voting "present" and blaming everything on his predecessor or how wicked America was before he came along while making uplifting yet empty speeches and spending money like it's the wastepaper that it will soon become. It can't last forever. The facade has to break wide open in a way that even the Matt Freis of the world can't ignore.

Then we'll see news coverage go one of two ways: First, The One will cross the Fourth Estate, as he's crossed so many of his other erstwhile supporters, by failing to bail out the New York Times or not sending Rush Limbaugh to Gitmo and we'll learn again that the MSM isn't the lapdog of Obama, but an ally who is quite capable of turning on him when their own agenda is thwarted. The other is that sooner or later the economic mess will be his alone, Iran will go nuclear and Israel will react, or the Jihadis will make a major strike against an American target. Then the MSM will continue to carry the can for The One no matter how bad things get and we'll have an American version of what's unfolding in Britain today where Mr Gordon Brown does his replay of Hitler in the bunker while the BBC carries on a bizarre attempt to convince the world that Brown is a paragon among men, New Labour will survive to win the next election, and Andrew Marr gets a pony.

Either way, I'm making popcorn.

Interplanetary paternity suit

Scientists have developed a "cosmic pregnancy test" and conclude that "the nebula Barnard 68 (B68) will inevitably give birth to a star sometime in the next 200,000 years."

In other news, Alpha Centauri stares at the ceiling and whistles tunelessly.

Flying Fish Follies

Having run out of windmills, PETA is tilting at the hideous, immoral practice of throwing (dead) fish at Seattle's Pike Place Market.

Because even a gutted salmon on its way to the oven has "rights".

Beanzawave

A USB-powered microwave intended to heat up baked beans.

This is the ultimate goal that all of civilisation has been striving for. I MUST have it!

Nuclear knee-slapper

From The Telegraph:

Iran's main nuclear plant is expanding so rapidly that United Nations inspectors have asked Tehran for improved safeguards against the production of weapons-grade uranium.

Then they all wiped their eyes after enjoying their best laugh since The One's Cairo speech.

Science marches on!

The cigarette dispenser that lights your fags for you.

NOW can we talk about that cancer cure?

Men in Black

It appears that I Am Legend isn't the only crappy remake Wil Smith was involved in.

Bye, Bye, Bernard.

The St Bernard retires from active rescue duty after 300 years of loyal service.

I tried to train Carl the Cattle Dog for a similar role here at Chez Szondy, but he kept bruising the gin.

Zaphod Beeblebrox,call your service.

Victor Davis Hanson pits Barack Hussein Obama against the universe.

Given the size of The One's ego, I don't hold out much hope for the rest of Creation.

Klaatu borada nikto

Slashdot asks, how would you greet an extraterrestrial?

I'd prefer something along the lines of: "Good day, sir. Do you have your passport, visa, ship's registration and manifest? Right. Have you read this, sir? Do you have any wine, spirits, uncooked meats, growing plants? How many cigarettes? How much cash..."

Obama promoted

Mr Barack Hussein Obama according to Newsweek editor: "Sort of God."

Update: Be fair, he did get the seas to stop rising.

Update: Parisian restaurateur encounters The One and lets reality go for a Burton:
"I saw God before me."

Drop Dead

D-Day

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

Interface!

Out, damn spot!

Scientists in Florida have invented a machine that grasses on you if you haven't washed your hands properly.

So flushed are they with their success, they are now working on one that tells you to put on clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus.

Living the part

In a bid for, of all things, realism, the BBC is making a meal of the fact that Eastenders has cast a disabled man to play a disabled character–presumably, one with the same disability. That's an important point, you see, otherwise things could get a bit sticky.

How do you tickle a gorilla?

A group of scientists have discovered that gorillas, chimpanzees and orangutans laugh when you tickle them.

I'd love to have sat in on the grant committee for this one. "Cure for cancer? Naw. Let's go for tickling monkeys."

A curry a day...

Curry: Is there nothing it can't do?

Coffee cup power inverter

An AC inverter that fits in a cup holder. Just don't get it mixed up with the Starbucks version or things could get a bit nasty.

Ground resonance

Why leaving your helicopter on idle is not a good idea.

One day in London

Over at London Daily Photo we have this entry about a man making a gigantic sand sculpture in the sandy bed of the Thames by the Oxo Tower at low tide.

Sand sculpture is fun to watch and a harmless enough fad, but somehow practicing it anywhere in the estuary without a biohazard suit is asking for at least a nasty rash.

By the bye, they have found all those bombs the Jerries dropped, haven't they?

I Hope It's a Misquote

Is the United States a Christian nation? A Secular nation? Neither, according to her President in an interview with Le Monde:

Les Etats-Unis sont l’un des plus grands pays musulmans.

Really, M Obama? Even if that's not what you meant to say, as President every word has huge implications.

That's not only frightening coming from the American head of state, especially after an unfortunate incident that reminds us that there's still a war on even if the MSM aren't interested in it, but it's also dead wrong.

Update: Another unsung casualty in the war that is no longer a war... for our side, anyway.

CarGo

CarGo: The solution to moving goods in an urban setting. Not enough room to get about while doing deliveries? Then get a teeny, tiny dodgem car set on pram wheels that folds up for no readily apparent reason.

Or you can come to your senses and get a small pickup that you can't fold no matter how much you want to.

The Astounding World of the Future

It doesn't look the same from the council estates, does it?

What Does a Power-Hungry Monomaniac Need to Do?

Should the United States overthrow Kim Jong Il, the mad muppet of Pyongyang?

After watching North Korea renounce ceasefire agreements, explode a nuclear weapon, and fire off missiles like Guy Fawkes Night while Mr Barack Hussein Obama can hardly stir himself to ask the UN to table a motion to consider a proposal to debate the idea of draughting a sternly worded memo, the proper question for the next four years is, can it?

Skybike

They're at it again. Since the flying cars are slow in coming, let's go for flying motorcycles.

Tinned Meat

Having passed a lot of my misspent life travelling the world in odd places, I've come across and eaten most of these tinned delicacies (When you're aboard ship or out in the jungle you don't get much choice) and most aren't half bad with a bit of HP sauce.

I notice that they also include this, which is definitely not canned. Jellied eels. The one thing I do miss living in the States is having the seafood man coming 'round the pub at ten o'clock flogging eels, whelks, and such like at just the point where the beer starts to give you an appetite.

Magic.

Bootleg Bees

Oh, sure they seem harmless, but pretty soon...

Update: On the other hand, there's bee rustling.

When I helped my uncle keep bees I came up with a perfect solution to this, but I had to give it up because we lost so many at branding time.

The Bombay Brasserie's £2000 Curry

It's the Samundari Khazana, or Seafood Treasure, and it's a mix of caviare, abalone, quail's eggs, a whole lobster, white truffles, edible gold, and bits of the Maltese Falcon. Two thousand quid a go and poppadoms are extra.

Never mind the gold leaf slapped on the inedible bits. I swear I can see ravioli in there.

Update: Not everyone is impressed.

Government Motors

Welcome to American Leyland.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

A bit of vintage horror from 1973