Turkey Ten

The letters to the editor column in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer included this self-consciously cute "top ten" list from a vegetarian who clearly has been watching far too much David Letterman. It just ached for a fisking

10. You will pardon a turkey - just like President Bush, but for the right reasons.

Except the the presidential turkey is still alive while mine will be dead whether I pardon it or not. Is the bird supposed to spring like Lazarus from the supermarket deep freeze?

9. You'll celebrate life and good fortune, rather than death and misfortune.

Um... The bird is dead already, so the point is moot. And if the alternative is nut cutlets, I fail to see where the "good fortune" comes into the picture.

8. You won't suffer nightmares about how the turkey lived and died.

Don't now. Won't ever. Even if the shade of my departed feast showed up at midnight decked out like Marley's Ghost complete with chains, it would still be a turkey, which has the inherent fear factor of an overstuffed pigeon.

7. You won't have to call the Poultry Hotline to keep your family alive.

Not since I grasped that whole germ theory thing. The only threat a turkey will have to my family's life is if it's a killer cyborg turkey from the future hunting Sarah Connor. And that hasn't happened to me more than a couple of times.

6. You won't have to sweat the saturated fat and cholesterol.

I don't know what you do, but I generally sweat sweat.

5. Your vegetarian friends will adore you.

Oh, I'm really looking forward to that!

4. Your kids will tell their friends about their cool "tofurky."

The school bullies are really looking forward to that.

3. You won't fall asleep during the football game.

My napping habits are my own affair.

2. You are what you eat. Who wants to be a "butterball"?

Vegetarians in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

1. Commercial turkeys are too fat to have sex. Could happen to you.

And vegetarians are too... No, it's too easy a shot.