The New Etiquette

The BBC, operating under the delusion that the sort of damp-handed, creeping Continentalism practised at Broadcasting House is the norm for the country, ponders at tedious length the "new etiquette" of people who are not close family members kissing and hugging.

In order to help avoid confusion, I would point out that this sort of thing was settled long ago in my part of Yorkshire and I offer the following guidelines for the confused:

• A handshake is a perfectly acceptable form of greeting, though if the recipient is female, try to restrict the breakage to the smaller bones of the hand.


• An offer of a cheek to kiss is best responded to with a blank stare of complete incomprehension followed by a look implying that the cheek-offerer has gone mad.


• The offer of a "Soprano-style" hug anywhere outside of backstage at the Royal Theatre should be politely declined with a cold-conking.

I hope this clears up these little details.