To Accept Our Surrender, Press "1"

From the AFP:

Belgian troops deployed to battle marauding caterpillars

My money is on the caterpillars.

Conquest of Space

We're on a roll here. Stand by for the second new section in less than a week. Last time it was the Moon, this time it's Mars. It's the 1954 classic: Conquest of Space.

Enjoy.

The Train That Never Arrives

From the BBC:

Castro almost 'fully recovered'

Is that like "mostly dead?"

Doggie Door Days

Last night was DIY time at Chez Szondy as I installed a doggie door for Carl the Cattle Dog.

Ever since we installed the invisible fence he's had the run of the grounds, but it's an axiom of modern technology that when you install one device it's merely the prelude to a string of upgrades to the rest of the system. Carl may be able to run as he pleases when someone is home,but he still has to be locked in the house when we were away and we've quickly learned that while it's great to be able to have the doors wide open on warm, sunny days it's a bit of a pain having to leave the front door ajar on cold, rainy days so that Carl can get in. So, it was pretty obvious pretty quickly that we'd have to provide him with his own private entrance. It was also obvious that things wouldn't go as smoothly as the manual makes it look.

The first hurdle came when the door arrived on our doorstep (ironic, that). Since we live in the country where many of the neighbours' dogs roam free and all sorts of interesting wildlife from raccoons to coyotes to bears hang out, the old rubber flap over the hole job wasn't going to be an option. Instead, we plunked for a high-tech version with automatic locks and an infrared key so that only Carl would be allowed in or out.

First thing I did was to install the battery in the key that clips to Carl's collar. Of course, the picture in the manual shows the key hanging upside down in the picture, so I installed the battery in the key while it was rightside up-- and the battery was thus upside down. Five minutes later I was commenting to my wife that the thing was getting hot as a pistol and I burned my thumb taking it apart again.

Not sure whether or not I'd burned out the key, I then turned my attention to the door. Having carefully read the manual, I stole some batteries from an old label printer and installed them in the door. A light blinked on. Nothing happened. I reinstalled the batteries. Nothing happened. I waved the key in front of it. Nothing happened.

A night of fretting over whether I'd be stuck for return shipping costs later, I bought a fresh batch of batteries and tried again. This time the light came on, the door bleeped and it responded to the key as advertised. One for the home team.

Now it was time to install the door.

I marked out the dimensions on the back door, fetched my trusty cordless drill, inserted the bit... And discovered that I hadn't charged the battery all winter. So, it was plug it in, wait a half hour, drill a hole, plug it in, wait a half hour, drill a hole and so on.

Then it was sabre saw time. With confidence I cut a massive plug out of the woodwork, admired the tidy hole for a moment and inserted the door. Or tried to, anyway. The hole was a fraction too small. Ever try shaving particle board with a sabre saw? Ever try doing it while a four-year old is offering to "help?" It is not a pretty sight.

Door finally in, screw holes drilled, screw holes not aligning, holes redrilled, face plate wrestled into position, screws pounded in with mallet and the whole thing bolted together later, I put the key on Carl's collar and let him try out his new door.

Only to discover that the saw and drill had scared the living daylights out of him and that the clunking sound of the locking bolts sliding back were the final straw that sent him under the bed again. In the growing twilight, I pounded my head on the door jamb in celebration of a job well done.

Naturally, it was at this point that my wife asked me to read over a complicated legal document the size of a telephone directory that needed signing.

But that's another story.

The Great Game

I've noticed over the past week that there's been a lot of dismay in the blogosphere over the Americans holding bilateral talks with the Iranians. It rankles me as well (personally, I think cruise missiles would get the mullahs' attention quicker), but I'm not surprised.

Cynicism? Not quite. When I was at university, I was fortunate enough to have a diplomatic history professor who was a high Mandarin in the US State Department (Henry Kissinger substituted for him one day when he caught a cold) and he taught me one thing that keeps me from tearing my hair out whenever I read the papers: Never, ever, be surprised by anything that happens in diplomacy, because there's a lot more going on behind the scenes than you'll ever know.

One example he had was the Cuban missile crisis and how it relates to Nixon's visit to China. The orthodox view is that the standoff over Soviet IRBMs in Cuba was an episode of a deadly stare-down finally resolved with the Soviets pulling their missiles out and the Americans doing a face-saving quid pro quo with their missiles in Turkey. What has this got to do with China? And why was Nixon's visit such a sensation in diplomatic circles? Everything.

It turns out that the deal that Kennedy struck with Kruschev was a bit more devious than the public was aware of at the time. What Kennedy actually gave the Soviets in return for disarming Cuba was a promise to allow the USSR a free hand should they go to war with China. Attack Peking, and the USA will sit this one out.

That's where Nixon comes in. His visit to China was more than just the raising of the bamboo curtain that isolated the People's Republic from the rest of the world; it was an open declaration to Moscow that the Kennedy deal was off.

So are the talks with Iran a spineless volte face by the Americans with an implacable enemy who would be better served with blockade? Maybe. But before I decide, I want to look at the rest of the men on the chess board.

Upright Thinking

British scientists claim that man's ancestors began walking upright because of the need to navigate nimbly in treetops ala orangutans.

Perhaps, but I still subscribe to the theory that early man had to start walking on his hind legs because he lacked trousers and therefore had to have his hands free to carry his wallet and keys.

Doctor Battlestar 7

According to the Times, the BBC is developing a new series which is essentially an update of Blakes 7 redone in the Battlestar Galactica "reimaginging" mode that will be a

Tense and fast-paced series about cooperation and conflict, idealism and power, sexual competition and love. Most of all it is about our life’s big imperatives — cheating death, seeking suitable mates and surviving as a species.

Translation: Stand by for the New Doctor Who treatment. In place of suspense, plot, adventure, action, purposeful dialogue, exotic locations, memorable characters, solid stories and a sense of wonder expect "believable" characters who are really emotional cripples played by pretty actors who couldn't carry a scene in a bucket, pedestrian locales, soap opera writing that goes nowhere, blatant left-wing editorialising, iron-clad political correctness, endless dialogue that never advances the plot, a muddy backstory, and a strong feeling of resentment when it turns out that all the conundrums were nothing but a series-long tease that had zero dramatic purpose when finally revealed.

No wonder I burn with a hard gem-like flame.

Interplanetary Business Department

From the Sun-Sentinel:

Company that makes Nasa telescope parts moving to Jupiter

Come to Jupiter: Lower taxes, investment incentives, stellar live theatre & five-star restaurants, excellent traffic infrastructure, a booming real estate market and handy for Saturn on the weekends.

Shame about the gravity, though.

Sound of Silence

Rachel Carson at 100: Green heroine or architect of alarmism?

Slidewalks of Paris

Edison Moving Sidewalk 1900 Paris
Uploaded by donaldtheduckie

Not exactly Heinlein's "rolling road," but for Paris in 1900 this is pretty impressive

Tip o' the hat to Paleo-Future.

Another Nail

Officers of West Mercia Constabulary are abandoning the traditional white shirt and tie in favour of a tee shirt of the sort of material and cut that one associates less with law enforcement than those aggravating cyclists who have all the road sense of a spavined duck.

On reflection, this is probably a good move. I for one will think twice about committing a crime West Mercia's stomping ground of Herefordshire, Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin and Worcestershire. The thought of being arrested by someone in such a clown suit is too embarrassing to contemplate

War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength

This opening sentence of a BBC report about the smoking ban stamping down on Britain is classic (emphasis added):

Buckingham Palace has to, so does 10 Downing Street, and even St Paul's Cathedral and Westminster Abbey. When it comes to the no smoking symbol, the ban on lighting up in enclosed public places is very democratic.

Strange that. I've been a writer & editor for thirty years and until now I didn't know that "democratic" and "totalitarian" were synonyms.

New Tales of Future Past Section

We are pleased to announce that a new section has been added to Tales of Future Past. For your entertainment and edification we present Moonbase 3.

The Lunar colony that never was, but should have been.

One Day in Venezuela

"I am shocked, shocked that Chavez seized control of the media."

Sleepy Time

Space hibernation from fancy to fact courtesy of Thisislondon.co.uk:

Human Hibernation Breaktrhough That Could Send Us to Sleep for Months

The technique involves chilling the body, the injection of a solution of salt and ice, and a DVD of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End on continuous repeat.

Some Animals Are, Etc.

The Victorian state civil and administrative tribunal in Australia has ruled that a Melbourne pub has the right to bar customers based on their sexual orientation.

It's bad enough when bigotry rears its ugly head and people are discriminated against with the most transparent of excuses because of whom they love, but when an official arm of government adds its weight and approval to such vile...

Oh. The pub is barring heterosexuals? Why didn't you say so?

That's all right, then.

Happy Memorial Day

It's Memorial Day in the States, so I'm off for some quality family time... And to catch up on a couple of deadlines.

Back on Tuesday.

Meanwhile, to all the soldiers of the Coalition (and especially the US branch), a heartfelt thank you.

Bournemouth Bee-Sieged

• Item: On 23 May Bournemouth pier was attacked by a swarm of bees.
• Item: On the 24^th, a jetliner taking off from the town was forced to land after bees dive-bombed the engines.

Coincidence or the first reel of a horrifying Quatermass episode?

Cyborg Moth

Designed to spy on terrorists; eat Sarah Connor's sweaters.

Confuse-a-Canine

An automatic dog food dish that not only dispenses the kibble, but announces that dinner is served in your pre-recorded voice.

Carl the Cattle Dog will never come out from under the bed again.