A modest proposal

According to The Times, there are more bureaucrats working at the Ministry of Defence than there are servicemen in the Royal Navy and the RAF. Indeed, the MOD is so overloaded with civil servants that there is now one paper pusher for every two fighting men. Add to this the insane, politicised procurement policies that have more to do with juggling the books and grovelling to the EU building ties with Europe and it's no wonder that the British Army in Afghanistan is reduced to pointing at the enemy and shouting "BANG!".

Since the current situation is about as stable as a vegan at a veal cook off, something has to be done to reform the MoD. My first suggestion involves daisy cutters, but since that would have to go through the procurement process, my second suggestion is that we start trimming the civilians on the payroll. Ah, you point out, but getting rid of government jobs is about as successful as cutting through granite with a handful of mashed potatoes. That's the beauty of this, because there won't be any net job loss. Let's jump forward to an MoD office a year in the future:

"Burton, there's a rather large package on my desk."

"Really? What's in it, Meldrew?"

"I'm going out on a limb here, but it seems to be an SA80 assault rifle."

"You appear to be correct, Meldrew."

"Any idea what it's doing here, Burton?"

"Didn't you get the memo?

"No, just the rifle."

"Ah, How old are you, Meldrew?"

"Thirty four."

"In good health?"

"I keep in shape."

"Ever been to Afghanistan?"

"I can't say that I have."

"Well, now you can."

"What?"

"It's the new policy for trimming down the MoD without giving anyone the sack. All fit MoD civil service personnel under 35 are being called up for military duty. Two birds with one stone, they call it."

"We're going into the army?"

"Not all. Most are earmarked for the Navy for a spot of barnacle scraping.

"Barnacles?"

"Navy brass says that it takes one to know one."

"But that's not fair!"

"I don't see what you're complaining about, Meldrew. At least you're not facing what the over 35s and unfit are."

"What's that, Burton?"

"Bed pan duty for Chelsea pensioners. The Minister said something about the shoe fitting."