May it go the same way

Like the late, unlamented USSR, Red China is an empire pretending to be a country.

The writer calls this a "closely held secret", though I've been banging my spoon about this fact for thirty years.

You're hired. Here's your ankle tag.

DSS Co Ltd of Japan strives to make the telescreen obsolete.

Next up: Brain chip implants

London Bridge redesigned

I swear that it's easy to pick out the architects who designed this atrocity to replace London Bridge. Go to a revival screening of The Battle of Britain and they're the ones cheering on the Luftwaffe all the way.

Park Trek

Dear God, haven't we suffered enough?

True progress

Every now and again one comes across a new invention that pushes forward the art of war in a quantum leap: The longbow, gunpowder, nuclear fission, and now... the sniper cup holder.

Churchill would have been proud.

Lessons from history

The BBC looks at the history of Britain in Afghanistan and presents this little tidbit:

Why, then, did the British fail in Afghanistan in 1841, and will the same thing happen today? In 1841, those in political charge in Afghanistan and British India did not perceive this "cultural solution" as being worthy of any merit. Despite the efforts of a minority of officers and soldiers, the preferred British method was retaliatory violence.

The alternative explanation, which I subscribe to, is the Major-General William "Elphinbay" Elphinstone was a complete ass with all the brains of an underdone turnip.

That's one way to deal with it

Roboramen

Great. Now Sarah Connor can't even go out for lunch.

War is frightful

Walk out

Another "tourist attraction" that you literally couldn't drag me to.

ISS RIP

According to Popular Science, Nasa is planning to deorbit the International Space Station in 2016. This is some service life for a station that hasn't even been completed yet.

I didn't know Chrysler was the main contractor.

Water is wet, fire is hot...

Headline in The Times:

Britain is a soft touch for people smuggling, say traffickers

Brother, can you spare a diode?

Robots in Japan facing record unemployment; the hunt for Sarah Connor moves to the dole queue.

Read the script

Memo to Miss Mabuse: Please stick to the narrative. Deviating from the accepted trope that everything The One does is historic tends to upset our newsreaders and makes them jump.

Thoughtcrime is relative

The frightening thing about tyranny is that it's inconsistent. It may be repressive, but it doesn't have to be even handed about it. Tyrants can change the rules at will depending on everything from influence to mere whim. That is the definition of tyranny. In Oceania, nothing is technically illegal, but Heaven help you if you transgress the unwritten rules.

Unless, of course, it's politically costly to squash you.

Lucky Strike goes to war

"Health experts" want the US military to be "smoke free" in twenty years.

Maybe by that time they'll have come up with a cure for "experts" who have their heads jammed up their fundaments.

Major Kong, call your service.

Scientists have developed a pill that improves your chances of surviving a nuclear blast.

Though that depends on how close you are to the thing.

Not so final rest

Last year I did an article for iQ magazine about the QE2 being sold to Dubai where she would end her days as a luxury hotel. Sadly, the recession has put paid to those plans and now the old girl looks set to head off to South Africa.

You'd think seniority would command more dignity.

Harry Lime: Too Many Crooks

The Man From Planet X

View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Five galaxy collision

If you think you have it tough, imagine what it's like for these poor bastards who have five galaxies all crashing into each other at the same time.

The insurace premiums must be hell.

Priorities

War in Afghanistan, coup in Honduras, revolution in Iran, missile tests in North Korea,bloody repression in China, and CNN goes with... The Obama girls go sightseeing!

Somewhere Walter Burns is sobbing.

Robobat

Flies through the night; gets stuck in Sarah Connor's hair.

Bias? What bias?

Even if you are hand in glove with the Party, it's not a good idea to take orders from them on the air.

Projection

That's what I like about left-wing satire; always a class act.

Daredevil: the autumn years

It's just not the same.

Witch wanted

Wookie Hole is advertising for a full-time witch. The pay is good, but the job interview is a bit of a bugger.

Carbon cops

Since controlling CO₂ emissions means giving the the government literally the power to regulate your right to breathe, it's no surprise that the Greenshirts have at last been let loose to stomp a boot in the face of thoughtcrime over and over again forever.

Zap! Gurgle

The United States Navy is looking into using lasers to destroy attacking swarms of small boats threatening their warships.

I wish I had one of those in my sailing days. There wouldn't have been a windsurfer afloat within the horizon.

Dr Solon, call your service

Michael Jackson: The ultimate comeback tour

Michael Jackson has been laid to rest without his brain, which was removed for "scientific tests".

There's a great B movie here struggling to get out.

HMS Queen Elizabeth

The BBC has a report on the beginning of work on HMS Queen Elizabeth, the first of Britain's two next generation strike carriers, that includes this curious statement (emphasis added):

The vessels will be capable of carrying up to 40 aircraft and will be used for a wide range of tasks, including supporting peacekeeping operations and conflict prevention.

No, their purpose, and rightly so, is to wage war and strike fear into the hearts of our enemies. Otherwise, I don't see any point in them.

Solar cloth

An American firm, Konarka, has developed a photovoltaic fabric that turns your jacket into an solar power station.

Great, as if rail travel wasn't enough of a pain, now I have to deal with stepping over the bodies of trainspotters electrocuted by their anoraks.

What does he want? Pillow fights?

Lord Bingham, retired senior law lord, says that UAV combat aircraft should be banned as "so cruel as to be beyond the pale of human tolerance".

Given that a UAV is nothing but an aircraft where the pilot is sitting safe thousands of miles away, so the machine can survey and attack areas where a manned aircraft can't, this sort of logic leads to the conclusion that the West's defence strategy should be to issue our people with hunting knives so they can slit their own throats in the event of war.

In other news, Ephemeral Isle asks if Lord Bingham should go and have a little lie down somewhere.

Meat Candy

Don't ask.

Ford Glideair

Yet another flying car... of the FUTURE!

The Great Train Robbery

Homeopathic lager

Takes me back to my medical school days.

The Defenders

Independence Day

Stranger from Venus

An insomniac's delight.

Well, I feel safe

Different even in death

This is one of the things that fascinates me about America. In Britain, the law requires that you be buried in a pine box that will eventually rot away. This makes room for later inmates and the sexton's job that much easier. In America, the law requires that you be buried in a metal casket that weighs a ton, stuck in a concrete vault that has about as much chance of decaying as the pyramids.

The amazing thing is, I don't think anyone outside of some faceless bureaucrats ever gave any of this more than a second's thought. At one time, burial rite were the stuff of religion, status, and culture. Now they're the result of the stroke of a pen.

Lord Summerisle, call your service

Why am I not surprised?

A meeting of Titans

James Lileks and I are mentioned in the same blog posting.

For some reason, the commenters seem a bit disteracted

How trains stay on the rails

I had the honour of meeting Dr Feynman when he was alive (how else?) and this was what it was like to talk to him. You just said "hello" and stood back.

What's next? The Apocalypse?

MyNortwest.com headline:

Computer glitch causes liquor shortage

How is this affecting me? Imagine Bernard Black's reaction and you've got mine.

Jet-propelled Ford

A Ford F-150 with a jet engine in the back? Even with the air intake smack against the reaer windscreen,okay. The guy can get it started? I'll buy that. Reach 516 MPH without running out of fuel in ten seconds or flipping over when the truck starts acting like an airfoil? Not a chance.

Birds of a feather?

The word "fascist" has started to be mentioned in connection with Mr Barack Hussein Obama–and I don't mean the black helicopter, Freemasons-fearing fringe types. And I hate to admit it, but it's becoming harder to dismiss the idea that the label couldn't possibly fit. It's bad enough when The One sides with the likes of Ortega, Chavez, and the ghost of Castro in demanding that a would-be dictator be reinstated while he soft steps around Iran for fear of "meddling", but when he and his administration comment on the opposition of a Congressman with the words,

Stunning that he would ignore the wishes not just of his president, but of his constituents and the country.

Since when have the "wishes" of the president ever counted for anything with Congress? There are some pretty nasty possibilites coming to light about Mr Obama's ideology and I sincerely want to be wrong about what they are.

This is surprising?

Slate headline:

How McDonald's Conquered France

I'm only guessing, but maybe by doing what everyone else did since Joan of Arc.

Show up.

All that trouble for nothing

On a happier note, the Greeks have built a new museum to house the Elgin Marbles, which have about as much chance of returning to Athens as I have of taking up break dancing.

Yet another nail

Burke's Peerage has thrown out principle of primogeniture and will no longer list offspring according to right of succession, but by order of birth. And they'll be including bastards in the lists as well.

William Bortrick, Burke’s recently appointed wet behind the ears Jacobin Executive and Royal Editor, calls this "bring(ing) Burke’s into the 21st century" and apparently regards this as a good thing. The little vandal will be chucking slates off the roof next.

I have another way of describing this, which involves another definition of "burke".

Another nail

Wimbledon has ceased to refer to female (remember when they were ladies?) players as Miss or Mrs.

I knew sport was in terminal decline when the cricketing world stopped distinguishing between gentlemen and players. Now it's augured straight into the bedrock.

Future Fashion

Men's fashions... of the FUTURE!

Robotable

Great. Now when I go down the pub I have to worry about my table running off to hunt for Sarah Connor.

Stealing a Model T

Ever since the lads on Top Gear had a look at the controls layouts of the first cars I've had a fascination with that gloriously complicated bit of machinery, the Model T. Not only was it one of the most successful cars in history, but it was so mind-bogglingly complicated to start that it's a wonder that anyone ever managed to steal one.

In case you ever wish to, here's how.

City of Domes

Now where have we seen this sort of thing before?

The Saint Closes the Case

X the Unknown

Jackson, Fawcett RIP

Farrah Fawcett dies after a prolonged battle with cancer, age 62. Michael Jackson dies of a sudden heart attack, age 50.

What a bizarre juxtaposition. On the same day, a moderately successful actress passes on after a very private fight is carried out very much in the public eye. Meanwhile, an incredibly successful, though why is a complete mystery to me, pop singer's life turns into a freak show that simply ends as if cut off by a large, curved agricultural implement.

But then, death leads a varied... existence.

What is you gave a propoganda broadcast and nobody watched?

It looks as though Mr Barack Hussein Obama's attempt to subvert the already tarnished integrity of ABC News by turning it into an arm of Minitru didn't come off quite as planned. Not only did the Chavezesque show deliver less than sterling ratings (against a load of comedy repeats no less), but there were other problems as well.

When The One wasn't making prescriptions for how to handle elderly patients (Expensive operations? Just take some painkillers.), he let this brick drop when a neurologist broke through the cordon and asked Mr Obama if he'd pledge that he and his family would live under the same public health care restrictions as the peasantry. Quote the messiah,

(If) it’s my family member, if it’s my wife, if it’s my children, if it’s my grandmother, I always want them to get the very best care.

Whatever else, Mr Obama has job security. With that kind of hypocrisy, he can always get a cabinet post under New Labour.

Stealth WPC-500F

Finally, a PC built for the sort of sailing that I do–or end up doing whether I like it or not.

Wallaby crop circles

According to the BBC, wallabies getting stoned on poppies and making crop circles.

This is more of a breakthrough than you might think. We not only have opium poppies growing wild in Britain, owing to some local councils who didn't read the seed packets properly, but there are also wallabies living on the Yorkshire Moors. They're good fun. You can always tell a dog who'd come across one because even very large bunnies tend not to punch one in the nose and it's always worth a laugh down the pub to look mystified while some rambler from down south tries to reveal that he thought he saw a kangaroo that afternoon.

Then we find out they're responsible for all that mashed-down corn as well. Now all we need to do is find out if wallabies were around during the Bronze Age and we'll have Stonehenge sorted out as well.

Port-Pizza Oven

If this pizza oven designed to be used in your car strikes you as just the ticket, then you need to step back and reassess you life.

Mr Tumnus, call your service

This is a rather neat idea if you're putting on a production of The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe or an adaptation of the Circus of Dr Lao, but you'd think that the chaps at Popular Science and elsewhere on the Internet would keep their mythological creatures straight. This is a fawn faun, I say again, a fawn faun, not a centaur.

Count the legs, for Zeus's sake!

Pillow fights are next

I love the British Army's answer to armouring vehicles: Use mattresses.

The best thing since the horse-drawn Zeppelin. Still, there's some room for the more conventional.

Scripted press conference plusgood bellyfeel

The White House press corps not obsequious enough for you? Then why not just eliminate the middle man and script the press conferences ahead of time?

No muss, no fuss, and it makes the job of the chaps at the Ministry of Truth that much easier.

Water under the bridge

Figuring that being a brutal dictatorship that indulges in little things like assassination, harbouring and aiding terrorists, stockpiling chemical weapons, and carrying on an illegal nuclear programme isn't all that serious, The One is sending an ambassador to Syria.

Appeasement: The game for the whole family.

N2Wine

An oxygen-free wine globe that holds the equivalent of 70 bottle of cheap chardy is all well and good, but it looks a bit heavy to keep on the desk and walking any distance ruins the point of the thing, so I think I'll pass.

Rehearsing the end of the world

Not a job I would have wanted. Probably would have involved ever so much fuss on the day.