Reliable sources

Pakistani floods, more floods in China, and Russia's heatwave are all due to global warming. They really, really are. The Telegraph can prove it, too. How? By stating that the claim is supported by that sterling trio of unimpeachable authority: the IPCC, the Met Office, and the University of East Anglia.

Next up: Bernie Madoff gives investment advice.

Putting Things In Perspective

From Gulfnews.com:

The deterioration of poetry is just as dangerous a phenomenon as global warming, a researcher claimed on the fourth day of the Dubai International Poetry Festival (DIPF) on Saturday.

No argument there; no argument at all.

But, Ah, The Strawberries!

Personally, I think that The Caine Mutiny has more in common with cataclysmic anthropogenic global warming than even Mr. Tipler realises.

Save the Planet(TM); Eat a Kangaroo

Scientists in Australia claim that eating kangaroos will fight global warming because 'roos don't fart greenhouse gases. I would have thought that since cows do, eating more beef would be the answer.

Sounds like propaganda from Big Kangaroo to me.

Logging the Evidence

Manmade global warming? We present Captain James Cook and Vice-Admiral Horatio Lord Nelson with the case against.

Welcome to the Tenth Century

In regard to how Britain should abase itself before Blessed Gaia fight global warming, one of the authors of a report from the Stockholm Environment Institute at York said,

We are constantly battling against increases of wealth... There's a very fundamental problem here that no one really wants to talk about.

Elaborating on this, Stuart Bond of the WWF told The Register,

Asked if this wasn't, in the end, going to mean a fairly hair-shirt lifestyle for us Brits - no cars, no tumble dryers, fewer showers and iPods and so on - Bond said that "economic wealth isn't the same as happiness or directly linked to quality of life ... It's about a quantity lifestyle - more and more stuff - versus quality".

At least they're honest about wanting to make us into forelock-tugging peasants–Not that they expect to be doing that sort of thing themselves, of course.

Gore-Al

Well, it's good to know that Gore had a Plan B.

Climate Cops

Join the Spies Climate Cops and help catch thought criminals fight global warming.

It's for this sort of thing that cuffs on the earhole were invented.

British Babies Cause Global Warming

The Green Movement's ideal future

Dr John Guillebaud and Dr Pip Hayesalong with the Optimum Population Trust says that British babies cause far too many carbon emissions and advocates that doctors urge Britons to only have two children at most–which is well below the replacement rate and leads to the sort of demographic free fall that Russia, Japan and Italy face.

Save the Planet™; let your race die out.

Cheeseburgers Cause Global Warming

I'm waiting for the inevitable decree that dancing, music, bright coloured clothes and thinking impure thoughts enrage Blessed Gaia cause global warming as well.

Green Logic

STOP PRESS

Television commercials cause global warming. Global warming pressure groups air television commercials. Therefore, global warming pressure groups cause global warming.

Save the Planet™!

Give or Take a Few Days

BBC headline:

'100 months to save the planet'

I'll start believing this Tommy when it's followed by "So screw the polar bears, the pandas and the whales. We're talking survival and we need to build 50,000 nuclear power plants NOW!"

Kidney Warming

Global warming causes kidney stones.

Or kidney stones cause global warming. Depends on whether there's an R in the month.

Heads, I Win...

Glaciers shrinking is proof of global warming, therefore glaciers growing is proof of... Global warming.

How very convenient.

When Blessed Gaia Attacks

Headline from Pravda:

Earth begins to kill people for changing its climate

I think someone has been working too hard and needs a little lie down.

Tiny Terror

Michael Prather of the University of California at Irvine claims that flat-screen televisions are a blasphemy in the eyes of Blessed Gaia will exacerbate global warming because the nitrogen trifluoride (NF₃) they use is 17,200 times more of a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide.

And the cyanide in apple seeds will make me fall stone dead. When NF₃ is dumped into the atmosphere by the trillions of tons and we all start choking to death on the fumes, then we can start worrying about its greenhouse effect. If at all.

James Hansen: Ecocommissar

Al Gored

Former Vice President Al Gore, stung by the fact that his Tennessee mansion uses as much power as some Balkan states, spent $16,533 on new windows, duct work, a geothermal heating system and replacing all the light bulbs with the trendy fluorescent types–and saw his electricity bill go up ten percent.

To be fair, though, hunting Manbearpig is energy intensive.

Bonfire of the Insanities

Greg Nickels, the mayor of Seattle, having decided that only his city has the power to placate Blessed Gaia and Save the Planet™, has turned his baleful eye via the Park Department upon another global warming threat; beach bonfires.

This is rather on a par with a recent comment that there is no point in New Zealand meeting its Kyoto targets because if the entire country sank into the sea the effect this would have on the climate would be precisely zero. So it is in Mr. Nickel's own little world. Seattle gets almost all of its power from hydroelectric plants and the largest local carbon emitter is a cement works, so the city is about as "green" as you can get already, however Mr. Nickels has never heard of the law of diminishing returns or that Seattle is a city rather than a nation the size of China, which means that his efforts are on a par with Seattle being a suburb of Christchurch going beneath the waves. In this equation, beach fires rate somewhere around rotting seaweed in CO₂ production.

Standby for this sort of logic being taken to its conclusion when the sale of cabbage is banned to cut down on farting.

Climate Change on Jupiter

We didn't listen!