Was Sarcasm Taken Into Account?

A recent poll in the Grauniad claims that most Britons are happy in their work.

The poll of around 1,000 people showed that almost 78% of people are either very or quite satisfied with their current employment, and more than two-thirds said their jobs were a source of personal satisfaction.

Since the same poll is rumoured to claim that British workers also take great enjoyment in being savagely beaten about the head and shoulders with a barge pole, we are taking these results with a grain of salt.

Rewrite!

From Jonah Goldberg's column in NRO:

Meanwhile, all a cease-fire will do is put off the inevitable, muddy the waters and give Hezbollah an escape hatch while it’s on the ropes.

Too... many.. mixed.. metaphors... sentence... failing!

Destruct!

Now this is what I call practical. It's a USB hub with a built-in self-destruct switch. It may not do anything when you hit the red button but play an audio file saying "kill, kill, kill," but fingering this baby during meetings will make the day go that much faster.

The Circle Closes

Israel has openly stated that it believes that Iran, hoping to divert attention from its nuclear weapons power programme, co-ordinated the cross-border raid that started this new war-- or what must now certainly be called this new campaign in the Jihadist War.

Where this goes now is anybody's guess.

Update: Looks like Tony Blair is pulling off the gloves, too.

Lebanese Loophole

Austin Bay discusses why Lebanon is a failed state and how Hezbollah exploits this to rain murder down on Israel.

Wrist Camera

For those who have really, really wide cuffs, we present the Go Pro Digital Hero waterproof sports wrist camera. Or, as we like to call it, "the really big heavy thing that doesn't tell time."

Some reviewers have made fun of Digital Hero's geeky appearance, but I've been in a lot of situations where I've wanted a camera, but didn't have two hands free, and after a couple of decades scuba diving I'm used to travelling in circles where having a huge watch, dive computer, compass or other thingee strapped to your wrist commands respect, awe, fear and sexual jealousy.

And what more do you want out of a gadget?

Tip o' the hat to Gizmodo.

Progressive Seating

As if going to the office wasn't unpleasant enough already, the makers of the Plasma 2System have come up with a whole new reason to loathe Mondays. It isn't just that they expect human beings to actually sit in this contraption, but their philosophy behind it, as outlined by co-developer Jack Hockenberry.

Right now it's a quantum leap in how the human body interacts with the computer, but soon The Plasma 2System will be as common as the fax machine, employees will come to expect it. If you've been using a traditional static desk and chair -- based on technology predating electricity -- to interact with the latest computer hardware, you are missing a valuable competitive edge.

I think I'll pass on the competitive edge, thank you.

Hockenberry strikes me as the sort of man whose team would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. I happen to like traditional chairs and desks and the fact that we still use them despite the damning fact that they predate electricity is probably due to the very good reason that they are comfortable and you don't look like a complete burke using them. As for employees expecting the Plasma 2System (wretched name), I think that Hockenberry is confusing "expect" with "dread."

It Burns! It Burns!

A residential district in Sydney, Australia has found an answer to gangs of hooligans roaming the neighbourhood: playing Barry Manilow records over loudspeakers.

Those caught full-face in the blast of Copacabana were reported to shrivel up like Julian Glover at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Headline of the Day

British Court must watch Jerry Springer

Cruel and unusual punishment.

One-Sided Coin

The BBC's coverage of the current Israeli-Hezbollah war has settled on the script that this is a story with only one side. There are several stories, such as this one, which breathlessly cover the plight of Lebanese and foreign nationals fleeing the fighting in the south, but what about Israel and the impact of Hezbollah rocket attacks?

Sorry, not newsworthy. Settle for two pics in the back of the photo essay. You have to go to National Review Online to find this:

What is strange about viewing the current war from Jerusalem is that this city is not at the center of it. The hotels, which were already bursting with tourists, have been flooded with more visitors fleeing the bombardments in the north. Like the Gulf War, when Iraqi Scud missiles were hitting Tel Aviv, Jerusalem has suddenly become the safest place to be.

It's a sad day when the slack of MSM coverage is taken up by a commentary piece.

Sunny Optimism

This is definitely a fair-weather affair. The Solarshuttle, a completely solar powered boat, will be ferrying passengers across the lake silently, pollution-free and when not on duty will be feeding power back to the national grid.

Where is this marvel of photovoltaic technology operating? Madrid? Miami? Los Angeles? No, in the Serpentine in Hyde Park in not-so sunny London.

I hope it has oars onboard.

Walking the Robot

This little runabout-- or perhaps walkabout would be more appropriate-- is the r3 walking machine from R3 of South Korea.

What do we think of it? Been there, done that.

Ministry of Food

How cozy it is in the Blair New World. Children are being "encouraged" to eat healthier meals at school and if they don't, they can take comfort in the knowledge that an officially approved snitch will rat on them, as this report in The Times assures us (emphasis added).

Parents who do persist with the Tupperware shouldn’t be surprised if they are quizzed on its contents. In Greenwich, where Oliver’s eating revolution has finally taken hold, children tell tales to teacher about suspect snacks.

David Ashley, headmaster of Greenslade primary, says that pupils who bring in packed lunches “are allowed chocolate on a biscuit but not a Mars bar”. If such sweeties are spotted, parents are called in for a quiet word.

At Charlton Manor primary, the head, Tim Baker, says: “Children get stickers for healthy boxes . . . If a child brings in a chocolate bar, we take it out of the lunchbox and give it back to the parent at the end of the day.” Pupils give each other away, he confides: “They say, ‘Miss, he’s got sweets in his box’."

Hopefully, the informant's fellow pupils show him their deep-felt gratitude for his spying on their counter-revolutionary confections-- at the end of the day in a large group behind the bike sheds.

There are Ceasefires and Ceasefires.

The Captain's Quarters looks at Israel's minimum conditions for a ceasefire and concludes that they translate as "We're not leaving until Hezbollah is crushed."

From Bombay to Londonistan

Indian intelligence has uncovered financial links between the perpetrators of the Bombay bombings and British-based groups.

Repeat after me: All terrorism is local.

Kenneth Grahame, Call Your Service

Gregory Brown of the University of Sydney has discovered that giant cane toads are using the roads in Australia to get from one place to another. Not only is this aiding the toads in their destruction of the local sugar cane crop, but the little blighters are forever stealing motor cars, tearing about the countryside, crashing the machines, dressing up as washerwomen and going "poop poop" at a moment's notice.

Mr. Badger was unavailable for comment.

Machine Washable or Dry-Clean Only?

Bridging the gap between laptops and frustrating little stylus pads, Elksen has developed a wireless fabric keyboard for use with your handheld or smartphone.

The status of the all-leather omnibus remains uncertain at this time.

GPS in the Aisles

In the shopping news, Tescos is looking at introducing GPS navigation systems to help their customers get around their supermarkets.

Apparently, the old compass and ordnance survey maps just weren't up to snuff.

Handbagging

Sub-headline from ABC News:

Blair, Annan Call for Deployment of International Peacekeepers to Deal With Situation in Lebanon

Hezbollah leaders respond by saying, "Ooooo we're so scared."

Update: Israel's response is that the proposal is that it is "premature," which is diplomatic-speak for "bollocks."

Two Irishmen Miss the Last Ferry to Dublin and...

A pair of Irishmen in north Wales missed the last ferry from Holyhead to Dublin and decided that the best course of action was to steal a trawler, Unfortunately, neither of them had the slightest clue about things nautical and ended up radioing a mayday before being picked up by the coastguard after motoring around in circles for several hours.

This is clearly rich, fertile loam for future metaphors, similies or Irish jokes.

Quote of the Day

See, the irony is what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s*** and it's over.

President Bush, talking to Prime Minister Blair unknowingly near an open microphone at the G8 conference, neatly sums up the Lebanese crisis.

Editorial Amnesia

A quote from an editorial in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer (intelligent as a post) declaring that Israel hasn't a hope of defeating Hezbollah and should leave Lebanon now. Why? Simple:

Can Hezbollah (or any terrorist organization) be defeated on a military field by a foreign power? We doubt that proposition; the best hope is a strong, effective local government.

It's a reasonable point, but what is interesting is what the PI argues is, in fact, the Coalition strategy in Iraq, which the paper has opposed for over three years!

Discovery Returns

The space shuttle Discovery has touched down safely at Kennedy Space Centre.

A classic example of no news being very good news.

Discovery Homeward Bound

The space shuttle Discovery is scehduled to return to Earth on Monday and land at Kennedy Space Centre at 9:14 a.m. EDT (1314 GMT).

Fingers crossed and our prayers go with them.

Context and the BBC

Stephen Pollard comments on the BBC's coverage of Israel's campaign against Hezbollah.

Across a picture of a blown up bridge, (Peter Marshall) remarked: "All this destruction. And still more threatened". As if the IDF was on some kind of wilful destruction spree, just for the hell of it. How about the reason why the bridge had been destroyed? Because Israel has been continually attacked by Hezbollah, and the IDF has to take action to prevent further such attacks.

This falsehood that civilised countries indulge in destruction for its own sake tells us nothing about how our side fights, but it speaks volumes about the MSM's mindset.

Meanwhile, Biased BBC has rather harsher words addressed directly at the BBC about their double standards of their coverage.

When Hamas and then Hizbollah attacked Israel you never troubled to tell us the legal status of the acts. When suicide bombers killed Israelis at pizza parlours and bar mitzvahs you never gave us any of this war crime schtick, although attacks targeted at non-combatants are the epitome of a war crime. "Terrorist" is a term with meaning in international law, yet when bombers murdered you own countrymen in London a year ago you were so anxious to avoid being judgemental that you had someone go through what your reporters had written in the heat and pity of the moment, carefully replacing the word "terrorist" with the word "bomber."

It's For Your Own Good... Really

Horizon Blue Cross and Blue Shield is starting a pilot programme to insert microchips into 280 patients with chronic conditions. The company says that the chips will be used to give casualty ward staff access to the patient's medical information if he is unable to communicate.

Really. That's all. Won't be used for anything else. Not for spying on people or anything like that. Not ever. Nothing to do with the boys on the telescreen monitors needing a break. Trust us. Would we lie?

Exhibit A

A New York Times photographer stood quietly by and snapped pictures while a Jihadist sniper was taking aim at American troops. Worse, the Times printed the evidence with captions.

A sniper loyal to Shiite cleric Moqtada al Sadr fires towards U.S. positions in the cemetery in Najaf, Iraq.

Michele McNally: "Right there with the Mahdi army. Incredible courage."

Apparently, the NYT staff is unfamiliar with a particular word.

Tip o' the hat to Redstate.

Quote of the Day

We are in our full strength and power. Hezbollah is not fighting a battle for Hezbollah or even for Lebanon. We are now fighting a battle for the (Islamic) nation.

Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, Hezbollah leader handing a big cup of disillusionment to those who still think that the campaign against Israel is purely a local matter that has nothing to do with the Jihadists

Royal Navy Heads East

HMS Illustrious and HMS Bulwark have been ordered to take position off the coast of Lebanon.

Looks like this is not going to be over soon.

Light Duties

Light entries today. The move of Chez Szondy is finally complete, but there's many a box to unpack.

Standby Plan

Her Majesty's government is demonstrating that obtuseness is a race for the bottom by announcing that it plans to outlaw the "standby" button on electronics on the grounds that hibernating gadgets use up 8 percent of all domestic electricity.

We humbly suggest that someone take the solons in question aside and explain to them very slowly in words of one syllable that the standby option is an energy saving feature and that eliminating it will mean that people will simply leave their computers and DVD players flat-out on all the time.

Next: Water conservation by ripping the tap out of the wall.

Tip o' the hat to EndGadget.

Poll Results: Muslims & the War

I Spy

Mubin Shaikh, a prominent Toronto Muslim, says that he acted as a spy for the Canadian government by infiltrating the Jihadist cell that was rounded up by the police a few weeks ago.

If his claim is true, then Mr. Shaikh is a man that we need more examples of if we're going to win this war.

Batman, Call Your Service

Captured: Two-Face's pet lobster.

Baghdad Bob, Call Your Service

In a bid to replace Saddam's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf as winner of the Golden Foot in the Mouth, Hezbollah's leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah phoned the following into Hezbollah's television station, which is still broadcasting despite being a bit bombed on by the IDF.

Now, off the coast of the sea, the warship which attacked... the southern suburbs... watch it burning and drowning.

The Israelis said that a vessel was lightly hit, but Nasrallah was on a roll. He added,

You wanted open war. We are going to open war. You have chosen an all-out war with a nation which ... has the capability, the experience and the courage.

Tough talk from a man whose HQ just got turned into a carpark.

Update: I modify my scorn. The IDF have confirmed that an Israeli warship was struck by a UAV and suffered heavy damage. If Hezbollah is fielding this sort of weaponry, then this war goes to a whole new level.

The questions now are:

• How many of these do the Jihadists have?
  
• Where did they get them from?
  
• If it turns out to be Iran or Syria, what will Israel do?

Update: Hezbollah has tried another sea attack, but missed and struck an Egyptian vessel.

Update: Somewhat good news; it was a missile, not a UAV.

Katyusha and Other Menaces

For the first time, Hezbollah missiles have struck Haifa, Israel. Defense Tech has a summary of what is known about the terrorists' arsenal.

Meerkat School

Scientists have discovered that, unlike most animals, meerkats go to great lengths to teach their young necessary survival skills.

Conclusion: Meerkat pups are thick.

Official Madness

In an act of mind-boggling fatuousness, the European Union has designated Irish Gaelic as the EU's 21^st official language and is spending £460,000 on translations, despite the fact that all the Irish MEPs speak fluent English.

Twenty one "official" languages in a union that has only 25 members? That's as much as saying the EU has no official language.

Well, maybe this will do for the EU what it did for Babel.

Melts In Your... Doesn't Melt Much of Anywhere, Actually

The Holy Grail of a chocolate bar that doesn't melt in hot weather may be at hand.

Alas, too late to prevent the result of that sweltering August day when my daughter left half a Mars bar in the glove box of the car.

Chernobyl: Sabre-Toothed Rabbit?

Despite the tremendous hooha, the number of deaths attributable to the Chernobyl disaster stands at only 56-- a figure so low that it is forcing scientists to reassess their ideas about low-level radiation hazards.

56 versus the 100,000 that Greenpeace hoped for predicted. Quite a difference.

Guns for Bikes

The Democratic Republic of Congo has declared its guns for bicycles exchange programme a success as over 6,500 weapons were turned in over the past year.

In related news, the number of deaths in the DRC from people being run down by marauding gangs of cyclists has skyrocketed.

Recycled Rubbish is Still Rubbish

A single mother of three was recently dragged into court by Exeter County Council for the unmutal crime of not sorting her recycling properly. She won her case, but unfortunately not on the grounds that the council are a load of green-mad busybodies who should be spending more time picking up litter and scrubbing graffiti if they want to help the environment.

Rob Lyons at Spiked looked at the case and sums up the bizarre modern obsession with recycling nicely:

Household recycling only makes sense as the practical form of a morality tale: that humans are essentially greedy and rapacious. The physical expression of that greed is the amount of rubbish we create. The lesson is that we should all rein in our expectations and demand less - be less "thoughtless" and more "selfless", to use the councillor's words.

I've never had any truck with household recyling, as it's pretty much the medieval hair shirt reintroduced by those who have no intention of wearing it themselves. Industrial and agricultural recycling makes perfect sense and has been in practice for about, oh, 45,000 years, but the modern fetish that local authorities foists upon us, outside of some very special cases, doesn't make a lick of economic or environmental sense. If it did, private companies would be paying us for our unsorted rubbish and hauling it away free of charge.

Make Up Your Minds

From Tim Blair: Trees in Antarctica and why environmentalists are never, ever satisfied.

The Tehran Connection

At NRO Online, Michael Ledeen looks at the current developments in the Middle East and sees one common factor: Iran. His argument sums up nicely:

You cannot escape the mullahs. You must either defeat them or submit to their terrible vision. There is no other way.

I've been following Ledeen's drum beat on Iran for some time and while I don't think the threads of Jihad tie quite so neatly around the mullahs' necks, I do agree that Tehran is one very thick cable of the threat that very badly needs to be severed.

Bombay Dragnet

Indian authorities have named two suspects, Sayyad Zabiuddin and Zulfeqar Fayyaz, in connection with the Bombay bombings on 7/7. This comes on the heels of the detention and questioning of 350 people in Malwani, a northeastern suburb of Bombay.

Meanwhile, an alleged Al Qaeda spokesman sent a grisly version of an opening night telegram:

(W)hosoever has carried out the attacks in Bombay we express our gratitude and happiness.

Charming. Not only do the Jihadists have blood on their hands, but they wash in it.

Pot, Meet Kettle

In an amazing display of brass, Russian Foreign Ministry spokesman Mikhail Kamynin condemned Israel's Lebanon offensive, saying,

The continued destruction of civilian infrastructure in Lebanon and the Palestinian territories and the disproportionate use of force by Israel, which causes suffering to the civilian population, can be neither understood nor justified. (Emphasis added.)

Disproportionate use of force? From a man whose country's strategy in Chechnya is "level the town first and ask questions later"? His staff probably didn't know where to look when he said that.

Blockade

As Hezbollah continues rocket attacks on Israeli towns, Israel has imposed a complete air and sea blockade on Lebanon, bombed Beirut airport and the Hezbollah television station and has hit the Foreign Ministry building in Gaza. Apparently, Prime Minister Olmert wasn't kidding when he talked about responding to "acts of war."

I'll say one thing for the Israelis, they may have their faults, but once they start to move, they don't do things by halves.

Update: Hezbollah is apparently trying to widen the war by moving the captured IDF soldiers to Iran.

Hope They Remembered the Puncture Kit

Bigelow Aerospace has successfully launched a prototype module for an inflatable space station.

Somewhere in here there is a blow-up doll joke struggling to get out.

Cyberfoliage

This isn't so much a robot tree as a mechanical triffid.

Peter Simple, Call Your Service

In the Brave New World Department, Princeton University psychology researchers Lasana Harris and Susan Fiske claim to have found a way to observe prejudice directly on the brain

It isn't often that one sees reality lurching in the direction of The Way of the World, but when does, all one can do is acknowledge that Peter Simple was there first.

American scientists have developed a brain scan which they claim can detect racial prejudice.

It works by examining a region of the brain where surges of activity occur in racially biased white people when they are shown photographs of black people and try to suppress their feelings of prejudice.

"ETHNOLEFT" comments: "Some of us keen anti-racist fans think everybody should be scanned for racial prejudice by these methods, and that regular attendance at special scanning centres should be compulsory for all.

"Certainly very few of us would be prepared to carry about the bulky, elaborate and expensive machinery needed for those scans. Just how accurate are they anyhow? Most of us, I fancy, will prefer to stick to tried and tested methods and go on using the racial prejudometer, the handy, portable device originally developed by Ethnicaids for the race relations industry, but now obtainable from any good anti-racist stockist.

"Incidentally, Ethnicaids have now moved their factory from Willenhall, Staffs, to more commodious premises on the North Circular Road in London, where their boffins are now working on a new universal prejudometer which can detect and measure not only racism but also sexism and homophobia."

"It's early days yet," a spokesman told me when I called there yesterday. "We've still got a lot of snags and headaches to iron out." A deafening explosion inside the research unit lent force to his words.

A scientist with his laboratory overalls blackened and in shreds and his ballpoint pens all anyhow, appeared at the entrance, gesticulating and shouting "It's hell in there!" until he was pulled back inside by colleagues.

A pall of appropriately multi-coloured smoke hung over the neighbourhood, where housewives complained of stress and a temporary TV black-out. Very soon heavily armed police, paramedics, counsellors and Kurdish language interpreters appeared, followed by a group of enterprising briefcase-wielding lawyers.

Tip o' the hat to Samizdata.

UN Waltz

Due to it's non-compliance over its nuclear weapons power programme, Iran has been referred to the Security Council to force the rogue state to abandon its nuclear ambitions or face the consequences.

If Iran continues to defy the UN, expect a warning to be issued shortly of the Council's intent to draught a stiff letter of disapproval.

It's harsh measures, but these are perilous times.

Bombay Update

Death toll is now at 200 and India is making noises at Pakistan to do something about the Jihadist networks within its borders.

Meanwhile, Amit Varma points out that the prospect of violent retribution against India's Muslims by the Hindu population would make the reported suspicious looks that make up most of the Western anti-Muslim "backlash" look like... Well... a load of suspicious looks.

Update: On a more positive note, Tim Blair has a round-up on the defiance of the people of Bombay in the face the Jihadists.

Global Hawk Grows Up

Manned military aircraft took another step closer to obsolescence with the unveiling of the new variant of the Global Hawk-- the unmanned aerial vehicle credited with taking out more than one Jihadist big wig. It's 50 percent larger, carries 50 percent more payload and an improved radar system.

But what would Biggles say?

Tip o' the hat to Defense Tech.

Sickening News

Dr. Gillian Pepper and Dr. Craig Roberts of the University of Liverpool have produced a study that tells pregnant women that morning sickness is not a prolonged bout of landlocked sea sickness, but a promoter of good health to be welcomed.

In related News, Doctors Pepper and Roberts flee the country after a mob of expectant mothers try to bounce something large and heavy off their skulls.

Bow Street Runners Run Out

Bow Street Magistrates Court, which for the last 271 years has seen in its dock everyone from Casanova to Crippen to Oscar Wilde to Lord Haw Haw along with an army of pickpockets and beggars is closing after being sold to an Irish developer.

So much history, so many £5 fines.

Quote of the Day

Muslims may live in one area, they may go to Halal shops, they may go to the mosque. They are quite happy and do not need to necessarily step outside of that community and it is not causing any harm.

Dr. Tasleem Shakur, one of the organisers of the recent Birmingham conference on segregation in Britain and winner of today's Complacent Idiot Award.

First They Came for the Smokers and I Said Nothing...

A New York City politician who suffers under the delusion that the people exist to serve him rather than vice versa has his knickers in a twist because the masses refuse to eat the healthy, whole-grain way he would prefer them to and has decreed that this will not be allowed.

In keeping with the logic of all good little totalitarians, health committee chairman Joel Rivera wants to change the local zoning laws to restrict the number of fast-food restaurants on the grounds that he, of course, knows better than the citizens his subjects, who clearly cannot be trusted with something as dangerous as freedom of choice. Says Mr. Rivera,

What I want to do is limit the number of fast-food establishments within specific proximity of each other, and try to give incentives for healthy alternatives, and give people choices.

"Incentives" that no doubt will look more like fines and "choices" that translate into "you can eat whatever you want, so long as it's what I decide is best."

It must make New Yorkers feel so secure that their masters care about them so much.

Act of War

Hezbollah terrorists have captured two IDF soldiers. Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has described this as an "act of war" and that

The Lebanese government, of which Hezbollah is a part, is trying to shake regional stability.

Israel is moving into southern Lebanon and calling up the reserves as the IDF continues its offensive in Gaza to free another soldier captured by Hamas.

Hezbollah is discovering the same lesson as Hamas: That rising to political power also is a bit like being a duck in a shooting gallery. It's one thing to hide in the shadows, but when you are or form part of a government, shooting rockets at civilians, attacking check points and kidnapping soldiers are no longer merely crimes; they become a casus belli.

How Technology Should Look

A fully-funtional 1988 Mac married to a 1923 Underwood and I WANT ONE!

Tip o' the hat to MAKE.

Update: Now, if only it were steam powered!

Happy Birthday, Nikola Tesla

Nikola Tesla, one of history's greatest geniuses and battiest inventors, was born 150 years ago today.

Pigeon fanciers around the world are doffing their speckled hats in tribute.

You Go First

BMW has announced that it has developed a self-parking car that can tuck itself away for the night.

I've calculated the cost of a BMW and that of rebuilding a garage that's been clipped by one, and I think this is one time it's not good to be an early adopter.

Tip o' the hat to Gizmodo.

Medic!

Interesting; a robot stretcher-bearer. Given that their human counterparts usually double as military bandsmen, I'm waiting on the piccolo attachment.

Tip o' the hat to Fresh Creation.

Geneva Disconnect

The American war effort suffered a major blow when the recent Supreme Court decision forced the administration to grant Geneva Convention status to Guantanamo inmates. If the Conventions are fully implemented and the inmates are declared prisoners of war, it will make it impossible to interrogate captured Jihadists and would require such lax security that the military will be unable to prevent further suicides, passing of secret messages back and forth to the outside world, or even attacks on guards.

And why is this being done? According to Brigadier General David Brahms, the former chief lawyer for the Marine Corps, who spoke to The New York Times, it to protect American soldiers who fall into the hands of Jihadists.

Our central theme in all this has always been our great concern about reciprocity. We don't want someone saying they've got our folks as captives and we're going to do to them exactly what you've done because we no longer hold any moral high ground.

Yes, that will really impress the beheaders.

Update: Hopefully, the story is less than it seems.

Bombay Blasts

There have been a series of bombings in Bombay (I refuse to use "Mumbai" any more than France will stop using "Londres") that have left dozens of rail commuters dead. No group has claimed responsibility, but since it comes hard on the heels of a Jihadist grenade attack Sringar, it looks as though the Islamofascists are stirring in India again.

Following.

Update: At least 100 dead and 300 injured. Six or seven bombs hitting moving trains were reported.

Update: Death toll is at 131.

Update: Eight bombs. 147 dead.

Update: Reuters has a chronology of major attacks in India since 2001, but for some inexplicable reason any identification of the "militants," such as ideology, religion, or affiliations to known terrorist groups (not to mention the word "terrorists") seems oddly lacking.

Update: The Times of India identifies the bombers as members of Lashkar-e-Toiba and the Students Islamic Movement-- Jihadists all.

Update: 183 dead.

Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

The law of unexpected consequences has landed in the Blair New World in the wake of the moral posturing that is the Kyoto treaty. Having signed up to the idea that global warming is the 21^st century version of Godzilla, promising to reduce carbon emissions by 65 percent by 2060 and rejecting the approach of other governments of not taking such promises seriously, the government is learning the hard way that ordering people to put in fluorescent light bulbs and covering the whole of Dorset with windmills is to energy policy what the Sinclair C5 was to mass transportation.

Aside from having to admit publicly that the Kyoto targets are impossible to attain, Mr. Blair is now in the ironic position of telling the environmentalists that if they really want to treat global warming as both prediction of doom and established fact, they're going to have to embrace nuclear power as well-- and perhaps on a massive scale, as it is the only energy source that can both meet the needs of the nation and produce zero carbon emissions.

Watching the Green lobby squirm on this hook will be fun. It's like telling Gordon Brown he has to give Tony Blair a big, wet kiss.

Identity Crisis

The scheme to impose Continental-style identity cards on the country have been set back and scaled down to meet the 2008 deadline, which critics are calling a face-saving exercise and leaked memos in the Sunday Times call "ignoring reality" and at best "remotely feasible."

Let's hope this is a wake-up call to Tony Blair that reminds him that the proper relationship is for the people to keep an eye on the government, not vice versa. If sanity prevails, the whole vile enterprise will be scrapped and Great Britain may retain some of her freedoms after all.

Quote of the Day

We must be open and tolerant towards Islam and Muslims because when we become a minority, they will be so towards us.

Jens Orback, Sweden's Democracy Minister, explaining to the Swedes the iron logic of appeasement.

Dotty Bishop Sighting

A group of bishops have sent an open letter to Tony Blair saying that Britain's nuclear deterrent is "anti-God."

Nuclear weapons are a direct denial of the Christian concept of peace and reconciliation, which are social and economic as well as physical and spiritual.

The costs involved in the maintenance and replacement of Trident could be used to address pressing environmental concerns, the causes of terrorism, poverty and debt and enable humanity and dignity to be the right of all, and would go a long way towards helping Make Poverty History.

Presumably only Britain's deterrent is "anti-God," as North Korea, Iran, Russia and Red China are not mentioned.

The bishops in question are:

The Rt Rev Peter Price, Bishop of Bath and Wells; the Rt Rev Colin Bennetts, Bishop of Coventry; the Rt Rev Michael Hill, Bishop of Bristol; the Rt Rev John Saxbee, Bishop of Lincoln; the Rt Rev Timothy Stevens, Bishop of Leicester; the Rt Rev Jack Nicholls, Bishop of Sheffield, and the Rt Rev Dr David James, Bishop of Bradford.

Ephemeral Isle is taking up a collection to send the above clergymen, whose education is clearly sketchy, some helpful primers on national defence, foreign aid, environmetal studies, cost/benefit analysis, capitalisation and theology-- especially theology.

Bottle Bricks

The idea of beer bottles that are square and interlock so you can reuse them as bricks is brilliant, but by the time I got enough of them I'm pretty sure I'd be too hungover to build anything.

Freedom of Speech? Not on the Tube.

A man was fined £80, abused by the police and nearly arrested for telling a friend that the metal detectors installed at Underground stations to prevent terrorist attacks were not up to the job and phrased it in good old Anglo-Saxon terms (quote sanitised).

My friend Phil and I were going through a metal detector on the way out of Highbury & Islington tube on Friday evening around 8.30pm, on our way to a gig. Phil, who has a degree in physics, said to me in a low voice that the metal detector was a "piece of s*** that wouldn't stop anyone". Obviously, someone was listening, as all of a sudden, half a dozen policemen jumped on him and hustled him over to the corner of the tube station, where he was detained for about 20 minutes for the grave crime of swearing in public, and fined £80 for the privilege. For swearing! On the tube! If it's such a crime, then I owe them about a million pounds, as swearing on and at the tube is the only way to deal with the pain of having to travel on the dratted thing every day.

The money quote is here:

I got really upset and started crying through rage, frustration and fear. I also asked them very politely if this was the UK or the People's Republic of China. They then told me I was very close to being arrested, too.

This is a classic example of how not to fight this war. It catches no Jihadists and it gives the police licence to bully ordinary citizens.

It must stop.

Tip o' the hat to BoingBoing.

Headline of the Day

First woman conquers Outback

Does Adam know about this?

Stating the Obvious

Apparently the Houses of Parliament have bats in their belfry.

I've suspected this for years.

Building Collapse in New York City

A three-story building in New York has collapsed with reports of an explosion.

Since this was a building that housed a beauty salon and some doctor's offices, this doesn't feel like a Jihadist attack, as they prefer "spectaculars" like the Holland Tunnel plot broken up last week. On the other hand, they have shown a willingness to slide down the scale to soft targets when they can't reach their primaries.

Following.

Update: Terrorists have been ruled out by authorities. Prime suspect is now a gas explosion.

Update: Not just a gas explosion, it was an incredible suicide attempt-- that failed.

Beslan Justice

Shamil Basayev, the Jihadist responsible for the attack on the Moscow theatre and the one in Beslan where the terrorists showed their nobility and courage by threatening to blow up a school and shot children in the back, has been killed.

One more monster gone.

Back Again

No posts for the past two days, as last weekend was moving day for Chez Szondy and, of course, the phone company that had assured us that "everything had been set up" for our glacially slow dial-up connection had, in fact, forgotten to send us the set up disks or any other info.

Meanwhile, I have moved domestic tonnage of equivalent weight to that of the Berlin Airlift and every muscle in my body feels as if it's been shredded with a lobster fork.

On The American Front

On the very same day when the FBI stopped a Jihadist plot to blow up the Holland Tunnel, The New York Times is up in arms about "extremists" "inflitrating" the US Army.

Do they mean Muslim "extremists" like Sgt. Hasan Akbar, who in 2003 murdered two officers and wounded fourteen others when he rolled a grenade into their tent?

No. It's the real threat... wait for it... Neo-Nazis.

7/7: One Year Later

For the past couple of days, I've been thinking about what I was going to write to mark the first anniversary of the 7/7 attacks on London and it's proven rather difficult to get a grip on things. I'm not speaking emotionally. This isn't one of those "how can we cope with this tragedy" pieces. I still have the same feeling today as I did the moment I first heard the news of fifty-two people who had their lives snuffed out in the heart of the nation's capital-- fury at the totalitarian monsters who planned and carried out this atrocity. The problem is that, unlike in the case of 9/11, it is still an impotent fury.

A year after the Twin Towers fell, the Americans had shown their bottle and the result was a free Afghanistan, an Al Qaeda that looked as though a hammer had hit it, Saddam's murderous regime playing out its last days, and the dawn of the Cedar Revolution on the horizon. Britain had played its part and played it very well in helping to bring down the Taliban and in turning Iraq from a charnel house into a functioning democracy, but a year after our own wake-up call and on the domestic front seems to be nothing but a 52 week run of that very unfunny comedy Jihadists? What Jihadists?

Instead of putting the country on a war footing, as the Americans have more or less done with theirs, New Labour still insists on pretending that this is not war, but a police matter and that all we need to do is pass "tough" laws and roll out "tough" policing combined with some touchy-feely community outreach, then the whole thing will go away. In a way, of course, that's understandable. After all, it worked so well with the IRA, who were roundly defeated, their footsoldiers imprisoned for life and their leaders hanged and didn't end up with terrorist MPs in the House of Commons and guaranteed seats at Stormont and not having to hand over a single bullet. Oh, wait.

A year on, Great Britain has shown her courage by standing firm rather than cutting and running, but aside from screwing to the sticking place, little else is positive. The Metropolitan Police claim to have foiled three major attacks on the city, but that 70 more are still under investigation. The latter is distinctly ominous, given how badly the Forest Gate raid turned out, and how the poison of political correctness makes it virtually impossible for the police to even use the words "Muslims" and "terrorist" on the same day, never mind the same sentence.

In a sane world, 7/7 would have been a call to arms. Tony Blair would have told the nation point blank that we are at war and that war must be fought if our civilisation is to survive. He would have said that a deadly fascistic ideology had taken root in a segment of the Muslim population in Britain and that the government had no fight with Islam, but would give no quarter to Islamofascism. He would have told the Muslim community that the days of multiculturalism and political correctness were over. That if there was any "outreach" or "building bridges," that was up to the Muslims, not their neighbours. He would have told them that they had two and only two choices: assimilate into British society and help to fight the Jihadists as they would a pack of rabid dogs, or leave the country.

In a sane world, laws would have been passed to fight a specific threat, not a tactic called "terrorism." Legislation would not have been "anti-terrorist," but "anti-Jihadist." Instead of ludicrous battles over how many days the police can hold "terrorist" suspects, Jihadists would have been regarded as enemy combatants if foreign, and traitors if domestic-- and both put under the jurisdiction of military tribunals. And if the Human Rights Act was invoked, the only reply to the courts would have been four words "we are at war."

Instead, what have we had? A government that passes law after law that tightens the screws on everyone, but which still allows the Jihadists to operate in the open. It is a country where it is almost impossible to gaol or deport a radical imam, where former Guantanamo inmates are set loose on the streets the moment they hit the tarmac at Heathrow and where "protestors" carrying placards promising death to anyone who dares insult Islam can go free, but where a counter-protestor handing out leaflets of "offensive" cartoons is frogmarched away. It is a country that bans piggy banks, Piglet, ice cream tops, St. George and anything else that might "offend" Muslims, but dares not stand up for its own history, traditions or religion. It is a country that quickly forgets how many of its own died on 7/7, died on 9/11, died in Iraq and died in Afghanistan, but makes sympathetic noises as Muslims whine about how people give them suspicious looks if they board a bus with a rucksack.

Indeed, this is a country that has seen its Muslim community since 7/7 not hang its head in shame over what its brethren did, but have had an alarming percentage express sympathy, if not outright support for the bombers and throat-cutters. This is a community that worries more about MI5 infiltrating their mosques than in Jihadists infiltrating MI5. Rather than reducing their sense of grievance, it has instead grown and grown until each day I expect to see the headline "Muslims condemn anti-Islam backlash after next bombing."

Oh, 7/7 is being marked. Look at the BBC web site and you'll see the lot. There are the two-minute silences, the photos of local dignitaries with so many imams in shot that it looks like somewhere in Tehran. There are the stories about survivors and "coping" and "closure." The word "tragedy" is used over and over, but never uncomfortable ones like "atrocity" or "murder." A Martian looking in wouldn't be at fault if he went away thinking that the bus and Tube trains detonated by accident rather than design.

There is even a tepid article on police work since 7/7, and one on a "possible" link between the murderers and Al Qaeda, though "possible" is derisive, as after the broadcast by Al Jazeera yesterday of a video left behind by one of the terrorists the link wouldn't be any more "possible" if he'd been wearing a neon sign on his head with a big arrow reading "Hey, everybody! I'm an Al Qaeda operative." But any mention of the ideology that motivated those young monsters to slaughter their fellow human beings? Of the bland, frightening world that they dreamt of imposing on the rest of us? Of the importance of moderate Muslims to throw off the burkas and put as much daylight as possible between them and the Jihadists? Not a sausage.

Sometimes I think that this is some sort of subtle plot on the part of MI6 to defeat the Jihadists. Sometimes I imagine that they deliberately ignore the Bin Laden tapes, the Jihadist web sites, the Hamas press releases, the frothing imams, and the hate-filled madrasas as they jump up and down screaming "Death to America! Death to Britain! Death to the Jews! Death to the Infidels! Death to the apostates! Death to all who do not bow before us! Death! Death! Death!"

And what's Britain's reply? "Nope. Nothing there. Must be the wind."

Allah Akbhar! What does a Jihadist have to do to get attention around here? Kick over an oil drum?! Eventually the idea is that Bin Laden et al become so enraged at not being taken seriously that finally their heads explode.

At least, I hope that's the plan. It has a better chance of success than the one they're using now.

Poll Results

The results of our first online poll are in.

At least we know the thing works

Korean Madonna and a Chinese Spit Take

North Korea's Kim Jong Il is determined to show that he is to Bond villains that Madonna is to motion pictures by declaring that he is going to follow up the failure of his Taepodong-2 missile 32 seconds after its launch by-- wait for it-- firing another missile.

Meanwhile, Beijing owes me a new monitor and keyboard, as the current ones are now drenched with tea after reading that Red China claims it hasn't a bean's worth of influence over their demented Korean counterparts.

"China sends oil, grain and other assistance to North Korea. But aid isn't a weapon if it's not used as a weapon," said Zhang Liangui, a North Korea watcher at China's Central Party School, a training academy for the communist elite. "And China doesn't contemplate using aid as a weapon, so its influence is very poor."

As a boy I spent some time in Hong Kong and I vividly recall being told then and right up until 1997 how Great Britain had no choice but to hand over the Colony to the Communists because all they had to do to bring Hong Kong to its knees was to turn off the water-- which they were quite willing to do. Of course, this pales in comparison to what the Reds did to the Tibetans and even their own people, who they starved to death in the millions.

Now the Communists tell us with a straight face that they'd never, ever do something as wicked as cut off aid to a crazed, paranoid megalomaniac-- even if he not only takes the aid without so much as a thank you, but steals the trains they came in as well.

Doesn't This Make You Feel Safe?

Secret British Ministry of Defence plans for responding to a major terrorist attack have been found in a roadside ditch. According to The Scotsman,

The 46-page Ministry of Defence file was discovered in a gym bag by a member of the public. The bag, which also contained an MoD security pass, had apparently been stolen from a Major's car while he was shopping at a Sainsbury's store in the Home Counties.

Remember those old wartime Sherlock Holmes movies starring Basil Rathbone where the spies were forever hiding microfilm and whatnot in matchbooks, music boxes, volumes of Dickens and generally treating them with all the care and attention due to a used bus ticket?

Times haven't changed.

The Chimes of Big Ben

Big Ben has finally been repaired and all the bells will chime on schedule for the first time since June.

In related news: Watch sales in central London plummet.

UV Bikini

A bikini has been developed that has a sensor on the waistband that monitors UV conditions.

An emergency meeting has been called to provide men with a new batch of chat-up lines.

Death by Television

Jihadists in Somalia murdered a businessman and a teenage girl for the heinous crime of watching the World Cup on television.

For Harry, England, and Most Especially for St. George

According to the Daily Mail, the Church of England is considering replacing St. George as the patron saint of England because,

(H)is image is too warlike and may offend Muslims.

Let's hope that this is just a balloon being sent up by a dotty vicar and exaggerated by the tabloids rather than a serious proposal, otherwise the Anglican church might as well pack it in and hand over the keys.

A True Muslim Hero

In a refreshing burst of common sense, Tony Blair has told moderate Muslims in Britain that they should stop whinging about their "grievances" and start doing their bit to help combat the Jihadists.

It's a pity that he didn't single out the heroism of Lance Corporal Jabron Hashmi, who gave his life in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban. I'll take one of him over a thousand Sir Iqbal Sacranies any day.

Update: Or the entire population of Beeston.

Update: From a recent Times poll:

7% of Muslims believe that suicide attacks on civilians in the UK can be justified under certain circumstances, a figure that rises to 16% if the target is the military.

Seven percent of Muslims in Britain is 107,000 who believe this way. That's a heavy weight for moderates to counterbalance.

Executive Toy

Always wanted your own personal fighter plane but you've been frustrated by those pesky arms export laws? Then check out the Javelin executive jet (Mk-10); a two-seater private plane that bears an alarming resemblance to a BAE Hawk, but considerably cheaper at only $2.795 million as opposed to $18 million.

Weapons systems and leather interior are optional extras.

Quote of the Day

He may now be able to enjoy a rather longer lunch than he has been able to until now.

The Tory leader of the House of Lords, Lord Strathclyde on the Lord Chamberlain after the election of Lady Hayman as the first "Lord Speaker."

Well, it's good to know that scrapping fourteen hundred years of tradition at the whim of Tony Blair will at least allow Lord Falconer a leisurely midday meal.

That makes it all right, then.

CND and the BBC

The Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament has been pretty much on life support since the end of the Cold War, but the prospect of Britain replacing Trident seems to be giving the CND a new lease-- at least, if you read the BBC's love letter that outlines the history of CND, yet leaves holes so large that it can only be due to gross incompetence or willful blindness. Most notably, the BBC seems to have no interest at all in CND's ties to the late, unlamented Soviet Union nor to the British Communist party. Indeed, this is their only reference to such:

But critics dismissed disarmament groups as naive, or stupid, or even a tool of the Soviet Union.

Never mind that CND, along with other (unilateral) disarmament groups, were targets for infiltration by the Soviets and often, though not always, willing fronts for KGB operations. Even the Groaniad was willing to grudgingly admit this back in 2001:

As part of its subversive activities in the west, the Soviet Union sought covertly to encourage anti-nuclear, ban-the-bomb and other such protest in many western countries as a way of weakening the defences of their enemies. Of course that does not mean that everyone who joined CND was part of a subversive plot. But Soviet officials encouraged western communist parties, such as the Communist party of Great Britain, to try to infiltrate CND at key strategic levels by getting their members elected as officers.

And that was back during the Cold War, but even with the fall of Communism, things haven't changed much. Look at CND today. The BBC makes no mention of the fact that the head of CND, Kate Hudson is a card-carrying Communist by her own admission.

If you had read your Weekly Worker, you would know that I have recently joined the Communist Party of Britain and that I am not a member of Socialist Action.

Now, this does not disqualify CND from having a voice in the Trident debate, but isn't it reasonable for the BBC to point out the leadership of CND's alliance to an ideology responsible for the murder and enslavement of hundreds of millions of people? You can bet a guinea to a gooseberry that if she'd been member of the National Front it would have been mentioned in the first paragraph.

Fireworks Korean Style

North Korea in a fit of pique let off its own fireworks yesterday when it launched seven missiles over the Sea of Japan, including a Taepodong-2 that was capable of reaching the United States. Fortunately, the latter failed within minutes of liftoff, otherwise their could have been a very swift and nasty reply from the Americans

According to the BBC,

(T)he North has been feeling under pressure and ignored in recent months, with the US refusing to negotiate on its demands over its nuclear plans.

If they're not careful, the Communists may soon get more attention than they ever dreamed of.

New Doctor Who Companion

Freema Agyeman has been named the new companion in the third of the new series of Doctor Who. In typical Russell T. Davies fashion, the producer of the show claimed that he searched high and low for someone to fill Billie Piper's trainers-- and then (no surprise) opted for casting someone he'd already worked with previously.

Happy Independence Day From Ephemeral Isle

It's American Independence Day, so I'm taking time off for some quality family time while the Colonials enjoy their celebrations.

Back on the 5th.

Win Some, Lose Some

England may be out of the World Cup, but English supporters have proven their mettle by their Herculean efforts. According to The Mirror,

In Nuremberg, organisers revealed 70,000 England fans who flooded the city drank 1.2MILLION pints of beer - an average of 17 pints each.

Astonished bar keeper Herrmann Murr said: "Never have I seen so many drink so much in such little time."

That's the Dunkirk spirit; go down drinking.

Headline of the Day

Crack in shuttle foam may delay launch

This drug smuggling is getting out of hand.

Old Age Alert

Kotaku reports on the last playable Space Invaders console in Japan.

I remember seeing the first of these show up in Britain back in the '80s-- especially the ones that doubled as pub tables, so you wouldn't have to give up valuable drinking time to play them. What a sense of liberation they gave us. No more tedious socialising and chatting up girls. At last, we could get down to some serious, utterly pointless time-wasting while getting pissed out of our gourds. So many 5p pieces, so few brain cells left.

Now all that is one with Nineveh and Tyre.

Excuse me while I hunt for my cane.

Outer Party Politics

Social workers in Britain are finding themselves subject to the same intimate scrutiny of their private lives that they themselves have subjected the public to for decades. However, Ken McLaughlin says that while this is poetic justice, it is also an ominous development.

No doubt, some people reading this will relish the irony of a profession that has habitually policed the intimate aspects of people’s private lives suddenly finding itself hoist with its own petard. However, this would be to overlook the fact that this 24/7 regulation and surveillance is being rolled out to include not only social workers but all social care workers – including, among others, home helps, residential and day care staff. Ultimately, a significant sector of the workforce will soon find their private lives subject to the scrutiny of the GSCC.

This is another one of those episodes in the Blair New World that George Orwell echoed in 1984 where it was not the common people, the Proles, who had the most to fear, but the members of the Party.

A Party member lives from birth to death under the eye of the Thought Police. Even when he is alone he can never be sure that he is alone. Wherever he may be, asleep or awake, working or resting, in his bath or in bed, he can be inspected without warning and without knowing that he is being inspected. Nothing that he does is indifferent. His friendships, his relaxations, his behaviour towards his wife and children, the expression of his face when he is alone, the words he mutters in sleep, even the characteristic movements of his body, are all jealously scrutinized. Not only any actual misdemeanour, but any eccentricity, however small, any change of habits, any nervous mannerism that could possibly be the symptom of an inner struggle, is certain to be detected. He has no freedom of choice in any direction whatever.

Early Edition

Tip o' the hat to Power Line.

Witchdoctor Mugabe

Good news from the People's Paradise of Zimbabwe. You may be living under a racist dictator who slaughters his opponents, seizes farmland without compensation, drives people out of their homes, rigs elections, blasts the economy to ruins and turns the breadbasket of Africa into a pit of famine, but now, as a blow against colonialism and sanity, you can legally practice witchcraft.

For years, Zimbabwe under Robert Mugabe's tyranny seemed as if it was sliding into the dark ages. Now the words "seems as if" can be taken out of that sentence.

Receiving Internets

I haven't had much to say about the net neutrality controversy going on in the US, as I've been waiting to see what the actual legislation looked like when it came out of committee. Then along came Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), who voted against a net neutrality amendment to a telecommunications bill and then provided an explanation that makes one suspect that he surfs the Web on a Royal manual typewriter:

There's one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right.

But this service isn't going to go through the internet and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free.

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet?

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes.

We aren't earning anything by going on that internet.

Now I'm not saying you have to or you want to discriminate against those people [...]

The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says "No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet". No, I'm not finished. I want people to understand my position, I'm not going to take a lot of time. [?]

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.

It's a series of tubes.

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.

Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that?Do you know why?

Because they have to have theirs delivered immediately. They can't afford getting delayed by other people.[...]

Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves.

Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it's not using what consumers use every day.

It's not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families.

The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a violation of net neutrality that hits you and me.

He receives "internets." Dear God, how did this man get to be a Senator? No, that's an easy question. How does he get out of the house, what with that "doorknob" thing to figure out?

Update: And now, in Powerpoint!

News You Can Use

We've all been there: You're trapped by an international gang and all you have to fight your way out with is an Ipod Nano. What do you do?

Kevin Fleming presents eight helpful ways to despatch the villains.

1. Break it in half with your hands (very easy to do) and use the glass viewing screen's broken edge as a razorblade to slice the jugular when they are looking the other way.
2. Take off one sock (a dress or tube sock; pantyhose will work in a pinch), place the Nano in the sock, swing it around as fast as you can (being careful to not hit yourself), and whack the intended target right on the temple.
3. Take the reflective shiny part and catch the sun's ray and shine it in a vehicle driver's eyes, or if you are at a rock concert and the lead singer is prancing around on a center stage that protrudes into the audience like a phallus, you can use the same technique.
4. The cord on the earbud headphones can be used to strangle someone. A knee in the back can give extra leverage.
5. Dig a pit about 5 feet deep, then take about 15 3-foot-long stakes 2 inches in diameter and sharpen one end to a fine point, like a very sharp pencil. Jam the sticks at least a foot into the ground, with the sharp ends pointing up. Cover the hole with pine boughs, grass, and leaves. Treat the Nano like a slice of cheese pizza in a deep, hot oven and place it gently in the middle.
6. Carefully unstaple a tea bag and pour the contents on a plate. Break into the lithium-ion battery pack and saturate the tea with the battery's poison, then dry the tea in the sun (or with a hair dryer if you are in a hurry). Put tea back in tea bag and bend the staple back to its original position. Put the tea bag back where you got it.
7. Download to the Nano "We've Only Just Begun" by the Carpenters. Tell someone you will give him or her your Nano if they listen to that song a hundred times in a row.
8. Hide the Nano in a bowl of lutefisk, then take it to the annual Norsefest Lutefisk Eating Competition in Madison, Minnesota.

Sorry, No Infidels

Alton Towers amusement park has announced that 17 September will be Muslims Only Day. There will be no smoking, gambling, alcohol, music, or non-halal food allowed and non-Muslims will not be sold tickets at the park, which are only available through Islamic Leisure. Organisers say all faiths are welcome-- provided they follow Islamic law.

Dhimmitude in Britain takes one step forward.